Mayday

WARNING: As Jen Hatmaker says, I feel BIG FEELINGS. And when I feel my big feelings, I feel the need to release them or I will implode. 

I wake up gloomy sometimes. I wake up, and for whatever reason, I'm in a downcast mood I can't shake. Sometimes it lasts a day, but more often it lasts a few days. There are lots of contributing factors here and some of the ones I regularly deal with are weather and dreams. When the sun has been gone for a stretch of time, I find my spirits take a dive. Whenever these times come, I get quiet, a bit withdrawn, my mind usually a thousand miles away from whatever my hands are busy doing, which means the pasta gets overcooked or the dirty diaper gets set on the shelf in the closet rather than in the trash. 

The gloom started creeping in yesterday, an unease that I couldn't put my finger on. I woke up this morning to find that unease building into anxiety, which leads to casualties. A sharp remark, a shorter fuse, a detached posture. And then the frustration that comes when I know I'm in the wrong, when my head says you're being irrational and yet I can't make the words "I'm sorry" or "it's my fault" come out of my mouth. 

So that was the state of things this morning as I opened the computer to send a quick email. I see a news headline about an 11 year old boy who saved his little sister's life by pushing her out of the way of an oncoming car. (Thinking what a wonderful thing! what an uplifting story! show your soul some good... I clicked on the link.) But as I read about this sweet brave boy who did in fact save his 7 year old sister's life while they waited at the bus stop, by sacrificing his own, I came undone. An eleven year old, dead. A sister, forever guilt. A mother, grateful and broken: one child saved, one child gone. And a 57 year old woman now facing a 25 year jail sentence for running over and killing a child and fleeing the scene. 

Through tears I look to the right where there are listed the other "most popular" headlines:

11 year old boy kills 8 year old neighbor...because she wouldn't let him see her puppy. 

Mother and baby found dead in Hollywood, toddler found several hours later

Corpse in a fence mistaken for Halloween scene

5 year old found dead in the freezer of her parent's house

I won't go on. So many stories. So much sin. Sin everywhere. Sin in me, sin out there. And I thought to myself, in a barely there whisper: how can I possibly make it through unscathed? And of course the answer I hear as I'm asking but already knowing is you can't. We can't. We cannot get through this life unravaged by sin, our own or others. I looked into the faces of my beautiful girls an hour later in the rear view mirror, and my heart breaks open. Their innocence (in terms of their lack of knowledge) in contrast to the horrors on the news stand leveled me. I cannot protect them from sin and its destruction. They will come away with scars. 

I can't. So I do the only thing left to do in a world that's falling down. I put my hope in the One who put sin to death by his own death. I look to him who knew no sin, yet became sin for sinners. There is no destruction that cannot be made right. That blows my mind. Look at the headlines- they will ALL be made right. There is no tear that cannot be wiped away. There is nothing that cannot be made new. Including me. Including you. Including whatever pain you carry around with you. I don't know how it works. I don't know how it will feel to not be broken. 

When the gloom sets in, I become very clearheaded about a couple things, and I'm thankful for it:

Sin is evil. I walk around all the time making justification for it, minimizing it, letting it slide. When the gloom comes, I see sin for what it is. And I hate it. 

God, in his holiness, is beautiful. He is glorious and pure and magnificent for having nothing to do with evil. For being all good, with no stain anywhere. 

I am not home. I read these headlines and begin to get panicky. But this place, this is not home. This is not permanent. This is passing away. 

Come, Lord Jesus!

(Also during this time Lecrae's Fallin' Down came on. I joined him with gusto.)

A Surprise in the Sky

We recently moved. (That is a story in and of itself!) We moved from a highly sought after neighborhood, and though our house was nothing extreme, it had a lot of luxuries in it. The neighborhood had rolling hills, tree lined streets, spread out houses. Our enormous backyard was also tree lined and we enjoyed privacy that's hard to come by in the city. Conveniently located, we were not far from anywhere we needed to go. It was convenient, it was beautiful, it was great for us. We moved there when I was six months pregnant with Sophia and we were dreamers in parent life.

The neighborhood and the house we moved to was extremely different. As a newer community, the houses are very close together, there are few trees, and the trees that are here are young. Our small back yard has no trees, and we can hear and sometimes see into our neighbors' back yards, as we assume they can into ours. In fact, there is so very little privacy, I have had to work hard at breaking some old habits. Being outside the city, we have to be intentional to plan outings and time them right so they make sense for us. It takes 20 minutes to drive to school. Our house is almost twice the size of our last house, giving us room to spread out. Everything has a place. But what it offers in space, it lacks in luxury. The house is a workhorse. It is practical, it is efficient, it is not glamorous, (though we find it quite beautiful at times.) We moved into it as a family of five in the thick of parenting in reality with three kids 4 and under. You can probably already see how well suited the house is for our needs.

On our last night at the old house, Andy and I climbed onto the roof to look at stars, feel a breeze, and remember the good times we had in that house. We were excited to move and looked forward to having lots of neighbors, having a playroom where all the toys could remain, neatly organized in a closet. Though our neighborhood had rolling hills that offered a challenging workout, it was not the best for teaching kids to scooter or bicycle, especially with the lack of side walks. But two things stood out as being the most missed. Berkley. Sweet Berkley. There were memories of him all over that house. We would turn a corner and expect to see him lying in his spot. Some days that brought a smile and some days that brought tears. We were not ready to move on. It felt like we were leaving him behind. There was nothing to be done about that. The second thing was the trees. These 50 year old trees that bloomed in spring and flowered, shaded our yard in the heat of summer, turned color for a week in the fall :) and brought beauty to the whole neighborhood. They would be missed. We were leaving Beauty behind. And we felt here too, that there was nothing that could be done about it.

But 36 hours later we woke up for the first time in our new house and my jaw dropped as my heart leapt in my chest. Because the first thing I saw that morning was the sunrise and it could take your breath away. You can't see the sunrise or the sunset when you are surrounded by enormous trees. In fact, since moving in almost three months ago, I have seen the sun rise and the sun set each day. It comes up outside my bedroom window and you can sit on the back porch and watch it ascend, and I see it go down out the playroom windows or standing on the driveway and the sky is spread out before me like the vast open space that it is, and I breathe in the fresh air, and feel the wind on my skin, and soak in the Beauty.

In the eighty or so sunrises and sunsets we have watched God is whispering to me that his plans are good. That he knows me inside and out and will meet every need, in his own way, when I least expect it.

The two worlds of social media: the dark side

I'm rethinking my role on social media, and if you missed it, here's why. I have seen two sides of the coin, with one as equally terrifying as the other is beautiful. Let me start with the scary side...

When I use Instagram, a few things happen:

- If there's any sort of issue between me and another person, it is perpetuated and intensified in my heart. A slow hardening happens with each perfect picture I see of them.

- If I'm struggling to get through the day well and then see pics of other mamas rocking it, I tell myself I'm a failure after I compare myself to them.

- By "liking" (or not liking) everyone's comments and pictures, I effectively place myself as judge over whatever they're willing to put out there.

- And once I do that, I assume they are doing the same to all the pictures I post. So I seek affirmation in the likes and find disappointment when something I put isn't liked.

And this doesn't just last as long as I'm looking at pictures. It goes on far beyond when I put my phone down. If I've had a good day and posted a cute pic of the kids doing something awesome, and it gets a bunch of likes, and maybe even a few comments about what a great mom I am...well there's a bit more bounce in my step. I'm a bit quicker to judge someone else. It's a bit easier to go to sleep at night. And why? Because a whole bunch of people affirmed me. I won their approval for today. But let me ask you something. Why can't the day do that? Because I've noticed that if I have a great day, and enjoy the kids doing their awesome thing and keep it to myself, I don't feel as good about it. I've been trained to need the affirmation of others. Which is a terrible thing, especially when we consider what God says in Matthew: "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

So this is what I hear when I read that: "Thus, when you paint with the girls, enjoy it and laugh and be satisfied. When she writes her name like the big girl she is, celebrate and praise her and store it up in your heart. When you discipline with calm love and firm grace, take joy in being like Me. When she nestles into you and wants to snuggle, close your eyes and breathe her in and thank Me, and let that be enough.

When I need the approval of others, I'm saying those things aren't enough. I need the praise of those things...that's what I really want. And that is tragic.

And y'all, that's a good day! That's what happens when I'm rocking it! What about those days that I call Andy at 4:00 with a note of hysteria in my voice as I ask, "Are you almost home?!" The days when nothing went as I had hoped, when I got nothing done that I set out to do, the days where the girls aren't sweet, but literally are making me crazy and I'm a few ticks away from imploding. On those days I open Instagram already feeling like I'm one big walking mistake only to find it confirmed in the glories of all those who have outshined me.

When other people become my standard, I have gone off course: "For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Chirst Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness..." (Romans 3:22-25)

At a family baby shower for Penny Mae, I was given the book You Are Special by Max Lucado. It teaches children to care about what God thinks of them rather than what other people think. It was written in 1997, before the dawn of social media and we adults found ourselves in need of similar advice. As I was reading it to her the other day, I saw so clearly how we are all acting like Wemmicks: "The Wemmicks were small wooden people. All of the wooden people were carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village. Each Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village. And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people spent their days sticking stars or dots on one another...Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good! It made them want to do something else and get another star."

I'll assume you can see the correlation. And I'm not alone. More and more research is showing that viewing pictures on social media, liking, and reading comments all contribute to isolation and feelings of loneliness and depression. Instagram especially has been shown to perpetuate constant comparison as we see the vast difference between our ideal (portrayed) self and the actual one.

Instead, we should say along with Paul, "So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future- all are yours, and you are Christ's, and Christ is God's. This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is required of stewards that they be found faithful. But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgement before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God." (1 Corinthians 3:21-4:5)

Imagine with me what could happen if we silenced the approval (or disapproval) of man by not putting our stuff out there to be judged. Where would we turn? It's my hope that we could find the time to turn to grace instead. Can you imagine it? If we could lay our heads on the pillow after a great day and thank the Lord for it and know it was a gift of grace. Or at the end of a bad day we could lay all our mistakes before the throne and thank God for paying for them and know there is grace enough to cover them all. And to not have any idea how anyone else's day was to compare ours to. But to just know what is ours to know, to do what is ours to do, to live the life that is ours to live.

{A book I found very helpful in having a correct view of yourself is Tim Keller's The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, which I got for free on Kindle. And this article, though not written from a biblical perspective, was good at explaining the affect of social media on our self perception.}

Instalife

I'm a bit shocked myself at what I'm about to write, because I didn't see it coming. Or maybe I did. Or maybe I thought I did. Yes, that's it. Because a few weeks ago I started a bible study with the ladies in home group and the first assignment was to fast from something. I truly didn't feel the need, but thought I should do it anyway- I am the leader of our bible study group, so if I don't do it, how can I expect anyone else to? I only picked Instagram because I wasn't sure what else to do. In my 2015 goal setting I was limiting media anyway, so this just seemed like I could tack it on. It was just going to be for a week. Or so I thought...

My week came and went, and I was surprised to find how good it felt to let go of my phone. Despite the weather that kept us indoors and going stir crazy. Despite the exceptional amount of preschool-aged drama going on in our house. It was easy and it felt good and I liked it and that surprised me. When the week was over I thought I might keep this going. But first let's just take a peek...play catch up. And what I discovered in the next 30 minutes floored me. And it wasn't the pictures I found- snow pics, as anticipated. I'll let you in on my little secret: I have a vicious heart. And that wasn't the shocker either. What floored me was that Instagram had slowly become food for my vicious heart.

You might be thinking, like my husband, How could Instagram do that? But it's not Instagram that does it. It's me that does it. It goes something like this: I see a picture of a sweet friend's little and read the story of him catching his poop before he drops it in the toilet, and I think She is so patient. I bet she handled that like a champ. I would have exploded at my kids. She's such a better mom than me. Or here's another: I see a beautiful family picture and someone's comment: "I just love your family! You guys are the best!" and because there's a small rift I think Well I disagree. I think...

And here's why that's such a big deal: "Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him...what comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person." Mark 7.18, 20-23

Do you see it happening? Every time I browse pictures, I feed that heart that has evil thoughts, murder, coveting, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness in wait. I put down my phone and acknowledged for the first time the seriousness of my sin with Instagram. What I thought was an unnecessary fast, God used to show me a very necessary change. But here's the hard part- getting rid of Instagram doesn't fix it. It's not what goes in from the outside that defiles. My heart is wicked with or without Instagram. Now, looking at Instagram that way fed a heart that was already vicious. But not looking at Instagram doesn't take the viciousness away. It will just find another avenue out. But shouldn't we try everything we can to limit the avenues?

So here's the dilemma...Do I take Instagram away so that I'm not feeding the beast? Or do I change the way I look at Instagram? In speaking of lust, the Scriptures say, "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." (Matthew 5:29) An eye is good and can be used for good. It shows God's beautiful creation, allows you to read the Word, communicates meaning, and helps you get around and do things. Here, the eye itself isn't at fault, but it gets cut out nonetheless because it is the avenue by which the person indulges in wickedness.

Instagram can be good and can be used for good, if I will let it. I'm going into more detail about this in my next post. I don't have it all figured out, but I am starting to form a plan. I am going to change the way I use Instagram and I want to share it with you as I go, because maybe you're like me and when you put your phone down there's lingering envy or discontent or disappointment. But if after it all Instagram still causes me to sin, it gets cut. No questions asked.

Either way, I confess and repent of the wickedness that lingers, and pray that God would eradicate it from me, I will repent, pray, and train my heart to love by editing my inner monologue with the gospel of Jesus Christ. This will be much harder than deleting Instagram and thinking Now that that's taken care of. This will take concentrated effort, humility, and persistence. But in the end it will be worth it, not for getting to keep Instagram, but for getting a heart that rejoices with others, gives grace, honors, and loves out of habit.

2015 Goals!

I loved finally getting to this step! After reviewing what worked, what didn't, what I want to say YES to, what I'm going to say NO to, what my radical thing is going to be, highlighting, crossing things out, finding themes, and praying, praying, praying, I wrote out these goals. Answering why and seeing many of these things commanded in Scripture adds a lot of motivation to work at them. They are good goals because they have really good reasons behind them, and that's the heart of why I want to do them. SO, here they are:

1. Rest my soul. Whether that's being outside, going on a friend date, praying and being in God's Word, writing, etc. Set aside time to be still, to be alone, to rest. 

Why? Because I thrive in all the areas God has put me in when I do it. Because when I don't, I do things from a heart of duty rather than love. I shift to auto-pilot.

There remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Hebrews 4:9-10

2. Spend time intentionally and wisely. Specifically, nap time and evenings with Andy after the kids are in bed. Planning on Sunday night helps my time with the kids during the day to be super intentional. 

Why? Time can never be given back or done differently. Wasting it comes from a lazy and entitled heart. 

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16

3. Invest eternally in people outside my home. The friends God has given me, the people in my home group, the neighbors God has put around me, etc. Be for them, be a slave to them. Encourage, support, build up. 

Why? It is my reason for being where I am- God has placed specific people around me and He has plans for how I am to serve them.

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

4. Say YES and try new things. With the Lord, this means laying down my yes to whatever he calls me to do, even in new situations, in the uncomfortable. With my family, this means saying yes as often as I can. Just do! Done is better than perfect. Plan new adventures once a month throughout the year. 

Why? For pure joy. To follow where God wills. To love my people well and be a servant to them.

Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Matthew 20:26-28 

5. Have a grateful and content heart. Learn to be happy in the day to day. This will include media free weekends, not complaining, preaching the gospel to myself in order to change to a true perspective. 

Why? It puts my hope fully on God and not the things the world has to offer. 

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

6. Be present and happy with my family. Limit the phone, plan fun, and just do. Smile a lot. :)

Why? I love them and this shows it best. This is love they can feel. 

This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

7. Root your emotions. Do not let them be swayed by circumstance. Have a perspective built on my unchanging God, specifically in the daily details of life. 

Why? It is truly believing the gospel. And because I am moody and it negatively affects those around me. 

According to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

8. Posses a tender heart. Specifically to God, Andy, and the girls. 

Why? With God, so the Holy Spirit can lead and teach me. With my family, so I can be gentle, without a biting tongue, because it loves well. 

All of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing...let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. 1 Peter 3:8-9; 11-12

I am sitting outside in the sun as I type this, breathing in fresh air, with a cool breeze on my face, enjoying 75 degree weather in February. God is good. These goals are good, and they are for my good. I could argue they would be good for anyone, but they are specific to my weaknesses and who I want to become in the strength of the Lord. These are the areas that He has revealed need the most changing. I anticipate that they will not be easily won. I expect a fight from the enemy. Imagine the damage he would endure if all of these goals came true. If my soul was healthy and strong from being rested, and I was busy at work for the Kingdom, not letting hours or even minutes slide by, investing in the souls of people, laying my yes down to follow God wherever he leads, lacking nothing, without distraction, loving my family with fervor and tenderness, and standing on a foundation of stone rather than shifting sand. That is a person who is dangerous to the devil. That is the person I pray God makes of me. 

{I wrote these goals as I am working through Make it Happen, after reading Interrupted, and before going to IF:Local, where these goals were affirmed, specifically by the teaching of Christine Caine, Ann Voskamp, and Jen Hatmaker.}

the big picture

I am still working through Lara Casey's 2015 Goal Setting and am loving how it has made me stop to dream (and plan) a really intentional year. I don't want to cruise through this year on auto-pilot and miss out on all that God has for me. Going "big picture" has been hard for me, because I'm so type A and just want the details of what to do. But thinking and thinking until a vision for the year began to form was really good for me. But first, here's a little bit of where I'm coming from:

When looking back over 2014, I felt like a passive agent, just living the life that got dealt to me that year. And in some ways, that's true and good- we are not in control. We are called to faithfully live the life that God has for us. But somewhere along the line, faithfully living slowly warped into living life like it was one big task to complete. Everything was a chore physically: giving baths, doing laundry, playing on the floor with my kids, going to the park, vacuuming. But then when my body healed, those day to day things still felt like chores, which is fine if you're doing laundry, and not fine if you're doing school with your daughter.

I don't think that's the kind of life Jesus was talking about when he said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep...If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." So if Jesus, my Good Shepherd, came and died so that I may have life abundantly, then that life needs to look different than doing chores. (And can I be really honest and say that there's a way to do dishes and laundry and vacuuming and even cleaning the toilet that doesn't feel at all like a chore?)

So that's where I'm coming from. Because I'm still going to vacuum, do school, dishes, play on the floor, clean toilets, etc. But how I do them is what needs to change. Thank you God for not being satisfied with a completed to do list. Thank you for wanting my whole heart! Because duty gets the job done, but love does it right.

What is the big picture? If I were to live out my most purposeful year in 2015, what would that look like?  It would look simple and happy. It would be me being present and content in the here and now; taking joy in what is and not looking to what might be; serving rather than being served; being FOR others in a tangible way that pushes comparison out the door. It is self-forgetfulness. It is marked by peace.

When I'm 80, I want... to have watched my children and grandchildren chase hard after the Lord, letting Him take them where He wills. To have been someone who was wholly there, even in the little moments, in the mundane, investing in eternity.

Define your radical. This year, my radical act is to not complain. Not from my mouth. Not from my heart. Not looking to how things could be better. Having a grateful and content heart with what I have and where I am, even in difficulty.

Will you help me? My lack of a filter gives way to complaining easily. It goes like this:
Anyone: Hey, how have you been?
Me: Uh...ok. Blah blah blah blah blah...(I somehow don't have the instinct to say "fine" or "good." I just give the real truth and follow it up with too much detail.) And those details can easily become a list of complaints. So if you happen to be the "anyone" in the above scenario, and you hear a string of complaints (or even just one) come out of my mouth, would you gently encourage me to change perspective? Would you remind me of the blessing?

One of the reasons I have loved going through this via a blog is that it's out there. I feel like once I write it out and post it, there is no going back. It is set in stone and there are people who are going to read it and (please) hold me to it. Because it's what God wants, so it's what I want too.

Laying out my YES and my NO

It's time! I've reviewed last year to see what worked and what didn't. I've listed some things that set my heart on fire. Now I'm using all of those things to help me plan for an intentional year. It's time to start committing and setting boundaries. What am I going to say YES to this year? What am I going to say NO to? Because every time I say yes to one thing, it will mean saying no to something else, and vice versa. So I want my NO to be where it should be, so my YES can be where it needs to be. And can I be really honest with you? The list of things I'm saying no to scares me. It's going to be way harder to keep my NOs than to keep my YESes. That's why I'm putting them on here. So you, not the collective far away you, but the individual you who is reading this and knows me and sees me and talks to me, the you who are my family and friends, can keep me accountable by just asking about them. And after talking to Andy, I know I nailed them. They're what they should be.

This year, I'm saying NO to:

1. irrational fears that keep me from doing normal things. There is a lot I could say about this one, but I'm not sure where to start. I just know that fear, whether normal or abnormal, keeps me from doing a lot of things I could do or our family could do.

2. social media on the weekends and during naptime. When I say social media, I'm talking about Instagram, because I'm not on Facebook and Twitter was toddler deleted from my phone 6 months ago and I never put it back on. I need to get my face away from my phone watching others live life, and go live my own. You know what I mean? Go do something fun with my own kids rather than watch other people doing fun stuff with their kids. I've gotten into the habit of checking it too often just to see if there's a new photo up. It can wait. I need to be present with my family on the weekends. It's the only large chunk of time I get to be with all of them together. And if I do it during nap time, I'll be there ALL of naptime, and that's not what I need.

3. growing anything but basil, thyme, and mint. Can I just be real? I love the IDEA of growing my own organic vegetables and herbs. Garden to table sounds wonderful. It's the actual growing the vegetables and herbs that I just down right hate to do. I. don't. like. to. garden. I like buying really yummy food at the grocery store where the vegetable actually survived and it's somewhat clean and that didn't come about by the sweat of my own brow. Because I hate bugs and worms and everything else in that dirt. But I'm sticking to basil and thyme because nearly everything I make in every season but winter has basil in it. And most of everything has thyme too, so it saves us money.

4. browse shopping on Amazon. Sometimes I'm sitting around (naptime) and I think I wonder what we need. I pull out my phone and start browsing around on Amazon. And what inevitably happens is that I find a million things I now think we need. See what happened? A minute ago I was content. Now I'm not. Now I think I need more. If I'm wondering what I could possibly need, I don't need it.

5. feeling like I need to spread my time out evenly between everyone I know. It cannot be done. There are too many people and not enough time. In fact, there is such little time to invest and be invested in as a mama of three. So when I get the chance to get away for a couple hours to be with another adult, I'm saying NO to the guilt that has me feeling bad for wanting to spend it with someone I saw a month ago rather than someone I haven't seen in several months. And when I look at Jesus' life, he prioritized people. He did things for everyone, revealed himself to a smaller group of people, traveled with an even smaller group of people than that, called twelve disciples, and then invested more into three specific disciples. I'm not Jesus. But if I think spreading myself thinly over a large group of people is going to foster any kind of meaningful relationship, I'm kidding myself.

Ok, those felt negative. They are, and that's why they are my NOs. Now for the fun! I tried to include several of the things that fire me up.

This year I'm saying YES to:

1. messy kid fun. I'm coming clean. I am one of those moms. Here's how the conversation goes:
Sophia: Mama, can we [insert something super fun and messy]?
Me: Uuhhhh....let's not.
Sophia: Why?
Me: Because it'll make a mess.
And I'm right. It will most definitely make a mess. But I'm done saying no to all that dirty fun. I need to let my kids be kids and I need to join them in it and get a little messy myself. It will make a mess. We'll just have to clean it up.

2. family trips and cousin time. My mom is one of nine kids. Eight of them had kids of their own. So you can imagine how many cousins I have. Strangely enough, our kids don't have any cousins and may never have any. But some of my cousins have been cousins to them, some of my cousin's kids have become cousins to them, and some of my step-brother's and step-sister's kids have become cousins to them. And I cherish their time with their cousins! But they're all in Austin, along with my parents, my brother, and most of my aunts. Making a trip down with three kids is HARD. It helps that my mom comes up for a visit about every three weeks. And that is a great time and it's easy because I don't have to pack, we don't get out of routine, my mom will babysit so Andy and I can go out on a date, etc. etc. etc. And it is easier. But they are only bonding with her. They miss out on everybody else. So this year, even though it's harder, I'm planning more trips to Austin, because I want those relationships fostered and strengthened. And I want my relationships with them strengthened as well. So I've also planned two family trips that will be filled with aunt/uncle/cousin time. But go ahead and pray for me as I drive these three kids to Iowa and back in October!

3. evening and weekend meetings with friends. Andy is always trying to kick me out of the house. He knows I need a break. But a lot of times it feels like so much work to get out. But this is important. When I get run down and cranky, everyone needs me to take a break. And guess what? The house doesn't fall apart when I leave. In fact, sometimes it's better off when I get back. And I'm better off too. So this year I'm taking a break before I get to needing one. A weekly break, to meet with someone, to have a conversation, to do zumba, to sit in a quiet place, to pray with a friend, to tend to my soul a bit more.

4. exercise. Don't worry, I've never committed to it before. But there have only been 5 months since January of 2010 that I have not be pregnant or breastfeeding. And though I'll be breastfeeding for all of 2015, this is the end for me. There was always very little incentive to work out or get my body back when I knew I was only going to get pregnant and blow it up again. :) Now that we've had our last biological baby, I'm ready to feel good physically. I don't know what this will look like exactly, because it's hard enough to get me to work out as is, but throw our schedule at it, and it's going to be really tricky. I'm going to have to do things outside of my box. That might mean a family walk one night, taebo during nap time another day, and a good jog alone in the morning before Andy goes to work on another day. We'll have to see how things pan out. I've been looking into different gyms, but so far haven't found one to offer what I think I would need it to for it to be worth a hefty monthly fee. If anyone has a gym they love or a class they love going to, let me know. I want to do this with people if I can!

5. being outside. I don't know why this is hard for me, but it is. It always seems to be too cold, too wet, or I don't want to deal with putting on sunscreen or bug spray. And our back yard seems to be a headquarter for mosquitoes in the warm weather months. But when we do spend time outside (which my girls will do all day every day if I let them) I feel so good afterward. The fresh air, the sun on my skin, running, playing, kicking the soccer ball. It's so fun and it's so good for me, body and soul. So this year, I'm just going to do the sunscreen, do the bug spray, and give an early bath when we're done. It's worth it.

6. writing. I love to write. I have always loved to write. And when I stop writing, things get pent up and I get a bit angsty. So this year, I'm saying yes to writing more frequently, whether it's in my journal, on this blog, in the journals I have for each of the girls, etc. Writing is my way to process and get things out. It makes me think things through. To sit on them and let them marinate. And it's a good way to document our life, my journey, what the Lord is doing here.

7. preparing the week on Sunday night. When Andy and I were dating or in our earlier years of marriage, we had this Sunday night pillow talk. We'd tell each other what we had coming up in the next week. We'd share what we were excited about or dreading, etc. It was a great way to prepare for the week. Since having kids, when our heads hit the pillow on Sunday night, it's because we've fallen unconscious. But preparing for the week is my new Sunday night routine. When the kids go to bed, I'm busting out the planner, checking the weather, making a to-do list, planning a fun activity, collecting the supplies we'll need, etc. The goal is to have a week that is thought through, prepared, supplied, and waiting for us to enjoy!

The anthem for my heart this year is:

I am always striving for perfect, and sometimes I get so caught up in it all being perfect that some things never get started. The art project doesn't have to be researched for two hours on Pinterest before we pull out the paint. School curriculum doesn't need to be printed, laminated, cut out for the entire week for us to do today. Because when I try to make everything perfect, only some of it gets done. Because when my heart is set on perfect, I get real nasty real fast if someone messes with my plan. For me, for this year, done is better than perfect. I need to loosen the death hold I've got on controlling every detail of every thing we do so it can fit the picture in my head of perfect. This year, I just want to get things done. I don't want to even try to nail perfect. My kids will thank me for it. My husband will be happy for it. Because if I can let go of perfect, I can enjoy what we have. Who we are. I can get a little messy and still keep a smile on my face.

{These are the 2015 Goal Setting steps by Lara Casey. You can follow her blog here or check out her book Make It Happen to the right}

2014 Challenges

It was fun to share what worked in 2014, and now quite humbling sharing what didn't. As I thought through the list and talked with Andy, I confessed that I really felt like a failure. Because in all the things I am, the most important things were ones I struggled with. Being a follower of Jesus, being a mom, and being a wife...they were challenges this year. I fell short, seriously short, in every one. And while it's ok and good even, to be discontent with who we are as sinners, I have to remind myself that this is exactly why Jesus needed to die to pay for my sin. Because I can't live the life I owe. But Jesus did, and he gave it to me. And he took this mess of a life I have, full of failure and indifference and laziness, and he pays for it with his blood. His perfect, holy, and righteous blood. 

I am reminded of Galatians 2:20-21: I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. 

So though I feel like a failure, I lay my fear of man and shame at the feet of Jesus as I share this. It should have no place in my heart. The life I now live in the flesh, I need to live by faith. All has been paid. Thank you Lord!

1. Homeschooling

As a former teacher turned mama, over the years I have been drawn more and more toward homeschooling (for a lot of reasons that I don't have time to get into here.) This year I started a preschool curriculum with Sophia and I was so excited about it! I had dreamed how our school time would go. And then I woke up and tried it and it has been no dream. I was imagining teaching those perfect students. Teachers, you know the ones: self-motivated, passion for learning new things, well behaved, focused, etc. Over the years, I had a small handful of students like that and it was pure joy to teach them. But that just isn't the kind of student Sophia is. Everything I tried wasn't working. Each attempt ended in a fight for control with hurt feelings on both sides, and not much learning taking place. We are not throwing in the towel, but let's just say that for the second half of the year, school days have been few and far between. I would love any advice from you moms who teach littles at home- How do you motivate? What kind of discipline do you use during "school time?" What do you do on a day when it just isn't working for anyone?

2. Catching up with friends during play dates

I have tried scheduling one to two play dates a week, because as you know, Sophia craves interaction. I love seeing friends in small settings rather than big crowds, so I thought this would take care of both at once. Boy was I wrong! Going into a play date hoping to get a good adult conversation in only made me short with the kids and disappointed on the way home, because they got to play and mama didn't get to talk. What did I expect trying to have a deep and meaning conversation with 5 kids under 5 running circles around us? One-on-one time with friends needs to be a priority of mine that I block out time for. I can't try to squeeze it in with something else- it just doesn't work. 

3. Date nights

We just didn't have many. And we suffered from it. And with a newborn it is even harder because I have to pump in the middle of a date, which is not romantic. And we have very few free babysitters in general, and even fewer willing to take on three kids at once. It takes a lot of work to make it happen, and then we come home and are exhausted. Again, we can't throw in the towel on this one. This is important and needs to be a priority. But we just aren't sure how to make it happen any better. Tips? Anyone?

4. Parenting a preschooler

Sophia was an easy baby. She ate well and slept well and was a happy girl. But when 18 months hit, a new kind of girl emerged, and we knew we were in for some terrible twos! And then two turned to three, and we thought we had it made! All of a sudden I had this girl who was easy again. She was potty trained, we could have conversations, she was so fun to be around, we could go somewhere without taking half the house with us. You know what I mean. We are now in the thick of some seriously hard parenting times. I have this daughter who is so much like me. And there's nothing harder than seeing your own sin in another person, because you don't make excuses for them the way you do for yourself. You see the ugliness of it and know it's coming out of you too, and when it's your kids, you know some of it is coming from you. And because after 31 years I am still struggling with the very same things, I see this hard and messy road ahead of her. And I want more for her. But just like I can't beat it in my own strength, she can't beat it either. And on top of that, she doesn't have the Holy Spirit in her yet, making her new, giving strength to fight. I cannot train her to stop sinning. And I don't want to settle for that anyway. That's not the life I want for her, to be good on the outside. To be a pharisee. I want her heart to belong to God and to beat fast for Him! And that's something I can't make happen. That's a challenge that will never go away. I need to pray my way through it. 

5. Using my time

This is a general theme from the year, but specifically three areas have suffered from it. I have not scheduled regular time with the Lord, and when I don't have a time blocked off just for that, it doesn't happen. And when it doesn't happen, my heart goes South. I start doing things with my own wisdom and in my own strength, which quickly fails me, and before long I start seeing and hearing what is not honoring to the Lord or helpful to anyone around me. Another area is not planning time at home with the kids. I plan outings, but for some reason I haven't planned our time at home, other than what I need to get done. We are spending time together, but it could be better spent if I was intentional about it. And the third area is nap time. Uuuggghhhh! I look forward to nap time every day, because by 1:30 I need to recharge. But then I waste my time on social media which sucks the life from me. It encourages discontentment and leaves me feeling empty and frustrated that I wasted my time so pitifully...again.

So there it is. There's my dirt from last year. Paid in full. And not just that, but I have hope that this year could be better. God is in the business of changing hearts. He can take my selfishness and change it into service to others. He can take my laziness and woo me into good work that glorifies Him, because it will bring me joy like nothing else can. 

     Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do      not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not        know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too              deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the            Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:24-27

Now, for some fun! In working through my hopes for 2015 I need to think about what fires me up! What makes my heart beat fast and gets me going, because I need to plan more of that, if I can. So here's the short list:

-adoption

-having a theological conversation with Sophia and she gets it

-one-on-one time with a friend talking about the Lord and deep things of the heart

-big family get togethers

-planning something new for us to do as a family (geocaching is on the list this year!)

-skin on skin time with Eloise, snuggling Penny Mae, and falling asleep holding hands with Sophia       (which has only happened once...but it was incredible!)

-spring and fall weather

-peaceful time sitting in the sun

-great conversations with Andy where I feel so known, so accepted, so safe

-taking a trip (with and without kids)

-singing loud in the car with the girlies to the Lord

-seeing God at work in me and the lives of those He's put around me

-encouraging others

And I'm serious about wanting to hear advice and tips about those things above! My own ideas haven't worked and I want to keep trying. Help me if you can!

2014: What worked!

Friends,

I haven't posted at all in 2014 and that's for some good reasons, like spending time with my kids, and for some bad reasons, like not having much to say. We have welcomed home a new daughter, Eloise, and are head over heels in love. She is such a good baby! But with having a baby, especially in winter, the result is that you are couped up in the house a lot. A LOT. And that's hard for this mama to do. I've found that sometimes Andy or my mom are the only adults I talk to...for a whole week at a time. I love them, but I need more than that. I feel lonely and isolated. I need to do better at calling people, finding time to meet with friends over coffee, etc. And I'm going to. In the meantime, I'm going to blog. Because nursing gives me lots of time to sit still and think. And I've had a lot to think about.

I don't read many blogs, because I tend to get carried away and spend an entire nap time travelling from one blog to another aimlessly. But one blog I read and love is Casey Chappell's, who is a friend of mine. And from her blog or instagram feed, I found Lara Casey. I was so intrigued by Lara's new book and now am slowly working through it. I want to be intentional with my time, and unless I stop to search and dream and plan, nothing intentional happens. I am currently working through chapter two, which has me identifying and meeting and getting to know my fears. And I'm having a hard time naming them. I just know there are lots. So I'm stopped, praying through what my fears are. What they are deep down. I can't just pass over it, because I know fear motivates a lot of what I do, and even more what I don't do.

But one thing I can do is review 2014- to look back at what worked for our family. And I wanted to share them with you, because hearing what worked for others has helped me. So here's what worked for us in 2014:

1. Having a baby
2014 started with me swearing I never wanted to be pregnant again. And I meant it. I wanted to adopt all our babies from here on out. Andy and I had attended adoption conferences, met with adoptive parents we knew, read Adopted for Life, and prayed and prayed. And in the end, Andy just didn't feel ready. So we started trying for baby #3 and a day later, I was pregnant. It was a bit faster than I was prepared for. And I won't lie to you- it was hard. Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. This pregnancy took a physical toll I only met by daily grace from the Lord getting me through each day at a time. But I was, however, very excited to meet our newest daughter. And on November 13, I did. She was 8 lbs of beautiful mercy. And with her birth came physical relief from pain along with a heart that grew every second to love completely another life, another daughter, another blessing. We are now outnumbered by littles, and it's not easy, but it's not the hard I thought it would be. Most days, it's great. It's grace.

2. Driving a minivan
Our last vehicle could not fit three car seats across the backseat, so we took the plunge and got a minivan. Looking back, I can't believe fear of man kept me from wanting one. A car's job is to get me safely from one place to another. I found that even though I didn't think I struggled with it, I was putting value in what kind of car people drove, like it said something about who they were. It took me one day of driving a minivan to throw all those lies out. Driving a minivan is awesome. Those sliding doors are a game changer! And now that I've had to nurse Eloise from the car in random parking lots all across Fort Worth, I'm super thankful we went with one that had a DVD player. Now the two bigger girls sit happily strapped in their car seats while I nurse in the front.

3. Team sports with friends
Andy and I want to be really careful about not overstretching our family with time commitments. We want our weekends and evenings to be together. Sophia is good at lots of things, but one thing she isn't naturally good at is large motor skills. So we thought we would try putting her in a team sport. She is a social butterfly and loves being around other kids and adults all. the. time. We signed up for soccer with a couple that are some of Andy and my best friends. Not only would Sophia and Jackson get to see each other each week, Andy and I would get to see our friends twice a week too! AND she would get to practice running, kicking, throwing, following rules, taking turns, and cheering others on. We did it through the YMCA and not only were we blessed to be on a team with lots of other people we knew, but we got to meet new people, even people we wouldn't have been able to meet any other way. What a great way to get out there and meet new people who you can share your story with and invite into the Great Story of God's Love. We plan to do it again in the fall and I really want to focus on meeting and investing in the other parents on the team.



4. Monthly meal planning
I didn't get this done each month, and the last two months, we've been eating off the generosity of friends who have brought us meals to help us transition into being a family of five. But when I did get it done, it was amazing! Not only did I never find myself scrambling to come up with something to eat for dinner that night, but making a grocery list was a snap. It takes a good two hours to plan every breakfast, lunch, and dinner for roughly 30 days, but in the end it saved so much time and I never had to feel stressed or behind by weekly planning. We made little adjustments here and there as things came up, but it was easy to do and the groceries were there and we used them all, instead of throwing out what we didn't get to.

5. Museum school
Sophia is a social butterfly, and Andy and I wanted Sophia to learn that she needs to take direction from all kinds of authority, not just Mommy and Daddy. I also wanted to enjoy a bit of alone time with Penny Mae (which I've never had before!) before Eloise came. So we enrolled her in the 3 year old class at the Fort Worth Science and History Museum. Her two teachers are WONDERFUL and she loves going! I am constantly impressed with the facts she can tell me when she gets home. It's only for two hours a week, but it's been a big hit with all of us!

6. Dana Dirksen CDs
There are six volumes of CDs called Questions with Answers. We only have the first one, which is about God and Creation. Each song asks a question and then answers it. The songs are simple, repetitive, and include a verse that answers the question. For instance, one song says:

How did God make Adam and Eve?
God made the body of Adam from the dust of the ground
How did God make Adam and Eve?
God made the body of Adam from the dust of the ground
      and formed Eve from the body of Adam.
Genesis 2 verse 7 God made the man from the dust of the ground
Genesis 2 verse 22 God formed the woman from the rib of the man
Ouch! Didn't that hurt?
No, he was sleeping!
How did God make Adam and Eve....etc.

I've used several of these songs to answer questions Sophie has or to explain things, like when our dog Berkley died. We have had lots of questions about death, and several of the songs helped me to give her an answer she had already heard and helped her to make sense of a scary situation.

7. A load a day of laundry
I hate doing laundry, so what usually happened was I would put it off. The loads would get large, and then I would find myself completely overwhelmed doing 3-4 over-sized loads of laundry. It took forever to get done and made the job bigger than it needed to be. This year I started shooting for doing a load a day. The loads are smaller and more manageable. It doesn't take long at all to do, so even though I'm doing it every day, it doesn't feel like I'm spending tons of time folding.

8. Sunday night pizza & a movie
We don't do it every Sunday, because I get burned out on pizza. But about every other week we order pizza and watch a movie with the kids. It's a fun way to end the weekend, usually also letting me prep for the week ahead. We also get an easy lunch out of the leftovers. It helps to start the week relaxed!

9. Chore charts & Point charts
There were a few routine things that I wanted Sophia to start doing each day to help out, but I found we were having to remind her a lot, and sometimes ask several times before they got done. I started using an easy chore chart I got off Pinterest, and it made such a difference. We go over the morning chores after lunch, and Sophia gets to put a sticker next to each of the chores she did without arguing. We would do it again just before bed at night. Before long, she was doing all of her chores without needing reminded or urged. It became habit. She also stopped napping in November. She has a two hour "rest time" on the couch with a quiet bin. She has three rules: stay on the couch, be quiet, and don't break anything. :) The girls also started sharing a room, and that has made bedtime a difficult time for sisters who aren't quite done playing together. If Sophia stays in bed and is quiet, she gets a point. When she gets to 10 points, she gets to pick something off her Amazon wish list that is under $5. I add things to her list to put in her quiet bin at nap time. It usually takes her 2-3 weeks to get to 10 points. (About every other night...so it's not totally working. But it's better than it was with no point chart!)

What are some things that worked for your family in 2014?