WARNING: As Jen Hatmaker says, I feel BIG FEELINGS. And when I feel my big feelings, I feel the need to release them or I will implode.
I wake up gloomy sometimes. I wake up, and for whatever reason, I'm in a downcast mood I can't shake. Sometimes it lasts a day, but more often it lasts a few days. There are lots of contributing factors here and some of the ones I regularly deal with are weather and dreams. When the sun has been gone for a stretch of time, I find my spirits take a dive. Whenever these times come, I get quiet, a bit withdrawn, my mind usually a thousand miles away from whatever my hands are busy doing, which means the pasta gets overcooked or the dirty diaper gets set on the shelf in the closet rather than in the trash.
The gloom started creeping in yesterday, an unease that I couldn't put my finger on. I woke up this morning to find that unease building into anxiety, which leads to casualties. A sharp remark, a shorter fuse, a detached posture. And then the frustration that comes when I know I'm in the wrong, when my head says you're being irrational and yet I can't make the words "I'm sorry" or "it's my fault" come out of my mouth.
So that was the state of things this morning as I opened the computer to send a quick email. I see a news headline about an 11 year old boy who saved his little sister's life by pushing her out of the way of an oncoming car. (Thinking what a wonderful thing! what an uplifting story! show your soul some good... I clicked on the link.) But as I read about this sweet brave boy who did in fact save his 7 year old sister's life while they waited at the bus stop, by sacrificing his own, I came undone. An eleven year old, dead. A sister, forever guilt. A mother, grateful and broken: one child saved, one child gone. And a 57 year old woman now facing a 25 year jail sentence for running over and killing a child and fleeing the scene.
Through tears I look to the right where there are listed the other "most popular" headlines:
11 year old boy kills 8 year old neighbor...because she wouldn't let him see her puppy.
Mother and baby found dead in Hollywood, toddler found several hours later
Corpse in a fence mistaken for Halloween scene
5 year old found dead in the freezer of her parent's house
I won't go on. So many stories. So much sin. Sin everywhere. Sin in me, sin out there. And I thought to myself, in a barely there whisper: how can I possibly make it through unscathed? And of course the answer I hear as I'm asking but already knowing is you can't. We can't. We cannot get through this life unravaged by sin, our own or others. I looked into the faces of my beautiful girls an hour later in the rear view mirror, and my heart breaks open. Their innocence (in terms of their lack of knowledge) in contrast to the horrors on the news stand leveled me. I cannot protect them from sin and its destruction. They will come away with scars.
I can't. So I do the only thing left to do in a world that's falling down. I put my hope in the One who put sin to death by his own death. I look to him who knew no sin, yet became sin for sinners. There is no destruction that cannot be made right. That blows my mind. Look at the headlines- they will ALL be made right. There is no tear that cannot be wiped away. There is nothing that cannot be made new. Including me. Including you. Including whatever pain you carry around with you. I don't know how it works. I don't know how it will feel to not be broken.
When the gloom sets in, I become very clearheaded about a couple things, and I'm thankful for it:
Sin is evil. I walk around all the time making justification for it, minimizing it, letting it slide. When the gloom comes, I see sin for what it is. And I hate it.
God, in his holiness, is beautiful. He is glorious and pure and magnificent for having nothing to do with evil. For being all good, with no stain anywhere.
I am not home. I read these headlines and begin to get panicky. But this place, this is not home. This is not permanent. This is passing away.
Come, Lord Jesus!
(Also during this time Lecrae's Fallin' Down came on. I joined him with gusto.)
