2014 Challenges

It was fun to share what worked in 2014, and now quite humbling sharing what didn't. As I thought through the list and talked with Andy, I confessed that I really felt like a failure. Because in all the things I am, the most important things were ones I struggled with. Being a follower of Jesus, being a mom, and being a wife...they were challenges this year. I fell short, seriously short, in every one. And while it's ok and good even, to be discontent with who we are as sinners, I have to remind myself that this is exactly why Jesus needed to die to pay for my sin. Because I can't live the life I owe. But Jesus did, and he gave it to me. And he took this mess of a life I have, full of failure and indifference and laziness, and he pays for it with his blood. His perfect, holy, and righteous blood. 

I am reminded of Galatians 2:20-21: I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. 

So though I feel like a failure, I lay my fear of man and shame at the feet of Jesus as I share this. It should have no place in my heart. The life I now live in the flesh, I need to live by faith. All has been paid. Thank you Lord!

1. Homeschooling

As a former teacher turned mama, over the years I have been drawn more and more toward homeschooling (for a lot of reasons that I don't have time to get into here.) This year I started a preschool curriculum with Sophia and I was so excited about it! I had dreamed how our school time would go. And then I woke up and tried it and it has been no dream. I was imagining teaching those perfect students. Teachers, you know the ones: self-motivated, passion for learning new things, well behaved, focused, etc. Over the years, I had a small handful of students like that and it was pure joy to teach them. But that just isn't the kind of student Sophia is. Everything I tried wasn't working. Each attempt ended in a fight for control with hurt feelings on both sides, and not much learning taking place. We are not throwing in the towel, but let's just say that for the second half of the year, school days have been few and far between. I would love any advice from you moms who teach littles at home- How do you motivate? What kind of discipline do you use during "school time?" What do you do on a day when it just isn't working for anyone?

2. Catching up with friends during play dates

I have tried scheduling one to two play dates a week, because as you know, Sophia craves interaction. I love seeing friends in small settings rather than big crowds, so I thought this would take care of both at once. Boy was I wrong! Going into a play date hoping to get a good adult conversation in only made me short with the kids and disappointed on the way home, because they got to play and mama didn't get to talk. What did I expect trying to have a deep and meaning conversation with 5 kids under 5 running circles around us? One-on-one time with friends needs to be a priority of mine that I block out time for. I can't try to squeeze it in with something else- it just doesn't work. 

3. Date nights

We just didn't have many. And we suffered from it. And with a newborn it is even harder because I have to pump in the middle of a date, which is not romantic. And we have very few free babysitters in general, and even fewer willing to take on three kids at once. It takes a lot of work to make it happen, and then we come home and are exhausted. Again, we can't throw in the towel on this one. This is important and needs to be a priority. But we just aren't sure how to make it happen any better. Tips? Anyone?

4. Parenting a preschooler

Sophia was an easy baby. She ate well and slept well and was a happy girl. But when 18 months hit, a new kind of girl emerged, and we knew we were in for some terrible twos! And then two turned to three, and we thought we had it made! All of a sudden I had this girl who was easy again. She was potty trained, we could have conversations, she was so fun to be around, we could go somewhere without taking half the house with us. You know what I mean. We are now in the thick of some seriously hard parenting times. I have this daughter who is so much like me. And there's nothing harder than seeing your own sin in another person, because you don't make excuses for them the way you do for yourself. You see the ugliness of it and know it's coming out of you too, and when it's your kids, you know some of it is coming from you. And because after 31 years I am still struggling with the very same things, I see this hard and messy road ahead of her. And I want more for her. But just like I can't beat it in my own strength, she can't beat it either. And on top of that, she doesn't have the Holy Spirit in her yet, making her new, giving strength to fight. I cannot train her to stop sinning. And I don't want to settle for that anyway. That's not the life I want for her, to be good on the outside. To be a pharisee. I want her heart to belong to God and to beat fast for Him! And that's something I can't make happen. That's a challenge that will never go away. I need to pray my way through it. 

5. Using my time

This is a general theme from the year, but specifically three areas have suffered from it. I have not scheduled regular time with the Lord, and when I don't have a time blocked off just for that, it doesn't happen. And when it doesn't happen, my heart goes South. I start doing things with my own wisdom and in my own strength, which quickly fails me, and before long I start seeing and hearing what is not honoring to the Lord or helpful to anyone around me. Another area is not planning time at home with the kids. I plan outings, but for some reason I haven't planned our time at home, other than what I need to get done. We are spending time together, but it could be better spent if I was intentional about it. And the third area is nap time. Uuuggghhhh! I look forward to nap time every day, because by 1:30 I need to recharge. But then I waste my time on social media which sucks the life from me. It encourages discontentment and leaves me feeling empty and frustrated that I wasted my time so pitifully...again.

So there it is. There's my dirt from last year. Paid in full. And not just that, but I have hope that this year could be better. God is in the business of changing hearts. He can take my selfishness and change it into service to others. He can take my laziness and woo me into good work that glorifies Him, because it will bring me joy like nothing else can. 

     Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do      not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not        know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too              deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the            Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:24-27

Now, for some fun! In working through my hopes for 2015 I need to think about what fires me up! What makes my heart beat fast and gets me going, because I need to plan more of that, if I can. So here's the short list:

-adoption

-having a theological conversation with Sophia and she gets it

-one-on-one time with a friend talking about the Lord and deep things of the heart

-big family get togethers

-planning something new for us to do as a family (geocaching is on the list this year!)

-skin on skin time with Eloise, snuggling Penny Mae, and falling asleep holding hands with Sophia       (which has only happened once...but it was incredible!)

-spring and fall weather

-peaceful time sitting in the sun

-great conversations with Andy where I feel so known, so accepted, so safe

-taking a trip (with and without kids)

-singing loud in the car with the girlies to the Lord

-seeing God at work in me and the lives of those He's put around me

-encouraging others

And I'm serious about wanting to hear advice and tips about those things above! My own ideas haven't worked and I want to keep trying. Help me if you can!