A Series of Unfortunate Events

I have been criticized for writing "reviews" that are always good. I am taking this opportunity to correct this and appease my husband. :)

On preparing for our trip to Costa Rica, we have a list of "American items" to bring with us for Andy's parents. We planned last night to go to Wal-Mart to get all of these items. Ever since poor month (March) we have been trying to shop at Wal-Mart for some of our things. Usually we do this on the way home from the Village on Sunday mornings. I was trying to weasel out of cooking dinner, so I let Andy pick where we could pick up food on the way. We left our house at 6:45 p.m. Andy picked the fast food joint, Krystal's. He said he was 100% positive I wouldn't like it. I assured him that I am not that picky with fast food, and how bad can you screw up a cheeseburger? But I made him promise that if I didn't like the fries that we would proceed to McDonald's next door to get me some. He agreed.

We were on our way, and I was putting on a happy face. I was excited to try a new place. There were pictures up on the wall of the food and the burgers looked great! We sit down, I'm smiling to reassure Andy that I am going to love it, being upbeat and funny. The lady comes over to bring us the food. As soon as she sets the food down in front of me, the smile disappears from my face, my shoulders droop, and I look at Andy in confusion. Why is the burger that color? Why is it so thin? Why is it shaped like a square? I look over at the enormous pictures of the burger on the wall and back to the ones sitting in front of me. "False advertising!" I vehemently whisper/shout to Andy. Nonetheless, I put this behind me, pick up my slider, and take a bite. Oh no, gag reflex! I manage to plug my nose, chew, and swallow. I look at Andy and give him a weak smile. I continue. A burger and a half later, I announce, "This is the worst burger I have ever had in my entire life. We are NEVER coming back here!" Andy, finding this very humorous, bursts out laughing, "I KNEW you wouldn't like this place! I knew you would hate it!" (Are all husbands like this?)

Each of the tiny burgers comes in its own individual box (irresponsible packaging, if you ask me). On each box is a picture of someone, the date they became a "Krystal's lover" and a quote from them. This is when I come across the box below:

Let me write for you the quote by this man, John Hires from Jacksonville, Florida: "I'm a youth pastor and I know how to get kids' attention: Preach a sermon about Krystal Lovers, then have a Krystal eating contest!" Now, when thinking about how to address this filth on my blog, I decided to not say a word. The exploding expletives in my mind would be offensive to some, funny to others, and don't quite do Mr. Hires justice. So, in order to keep my cool, I'm done talking about him.

We leave Krystal's after Andy finished his disgusting sliders. The rest of the time I let him know what I thought of Krystal and John. We headed straight for McDonald's. Andy was surprised to find that I was ordering an entire meal. One look and he recanted, but was still grinning with the hilarity of the event. We get my food and park at Wal-Mart. Here's where detail becomes important.

All of the spots around us are filled. Andy and I are sitting in the car so that I can eat my food before going into Wal-Mart. A woman comes up to the car directly in front of us. The trunk of the car is facing us. She puts all of her groceries in her trunk, and she notices that we are watching her. Not wanting her to think we're creepy, I make a show of eating my food, so she knows why we're just sitting there. When she's done, she walks around her car and gets in. But the cart is just sitting there next to her trunk! I say to Andy, "No way! Surely she's coming back for it!" She shuts the door, the engine turns, she looks back at us in her rear view mirror- I give her a shocked face with my hands in the air asking, "What are you doing? Go put your cart away!" Then she speeds off. I couldn't believe it.

Not one minute goes by, and another woman comes to the vehicle to the left of the one that just left. Again, she sees us watching her, so again, I make a show of my bag of fast food. When she's done, she brings her shopping cart around to the now empty space in front of us, balances in on the steep decline, and gets in her car. This lucky woman was facing towards us, so I stare her down like my eyes can shoot fire! She definitely sees me and knows exactly why I'm giving her this look. A flash of guilt crosses over her features. I continue to bore into her until she's out of sight. I am utterly in shock. All of the cart drop-offs must be full. That explains it! Andy gets out of the car, because he can't stand the smell of my meal. He collects the carts, and when he comes back by, he's picked up three more stranded carts to bring to the drop-off.

I've finished my meal, and we start walking through the parking lot toward Wal-Mart. On the way we pass six more stranded carts scattered throughout the parking lot, leaning on cars, tossed under trees, straddling curbs. We also pass three cart drop-offs, each one of them completely empty. "The nerve!" I keep saying over and over. We get inside only to find that no carts are available. Probably because the drop offs are all empty! We go searching for a cart and begin getting items from the list.

Two hours later we find the shortest check-out line available. During the last two hours, we have picked isles for their lack of screaming children. The place was swarming. It felt like the inside of a free-for-all ant hill without a queen. I was going insane. We wait in line for 30 minutes to check out. We get back home at 10:30 to unpack the groceries, swearing to boycott Krystal's and Wal-Mart, and being gratefully lacking in nerve.