Laying out my YES and my NO

It's time! I've reviewed last year to see what worked and what didn't. I've listed some things that set my heart on fire. Now I'm using all of those things to help me plan for an intentional year. It's time to start committing and setting boundaries. What am I going to say YES to this year? What am I going to say NO to? Because every time I say yes to one thing, it will mean saying no to something else, and vice versa. So I want my NO to be where it should be, so my YES can be where it needs to be. And can I be really honest with you? The list of things I'm saying no to scares me. It's going to be way harder to keep my NOs than to keep my YESes. That's why I'm putting them on here. So you, not the collective far away you, but the individual you who is reading this and knows me and sees me and talks to me, the you who are my family and friends, can keep me accountable by just asking about them. And after talking to Andy, I know I nailed them. They're what they should be.

This year, I'm saying NO to:

1. irrational fears that keep me from doing normal things. There is a lot I could say about this one, but I'm not sure where to start. I just know that fear, whether normal or abnormal, keeps me from doing a lot of things I could do or our family could do.

2. social media on the weekends and during naptime. When I say social media, I'm talking about Instagram, because I'm not on Facebook and Twitter was toddler deleted from my phone 6 months ago and I never put it back on. I need to get my face away from my phone watching others live life, and go live my own. You know what I mean? Go do something fun with my own kids rather than watch other people doing fun stuff with their kids. I've gotten into the habit of checking it too often just to see if there's a new photo up. It can wait. I need to be present with my family on the weekends. It's the only large chunk of time I get to be with all of them together. And if I do it during nap time, I'll be there ALL of naptime, and that's not what I need.

3. growing anything but basil, thyme, and mint. Can I just be real? I love the IDEA of growing my own organic vegetables and herbs. Garden to table sounds wonderful. It's the actual growing the vegetables and herbs that I just down right hate to do. I. don't. like. to. garden. I like buying really yummy food at the grocery store where the vegetable actually survived and it's somewhat clean and that didn't come about by the sweat of my own brow. Because I hate bugs and worms and everything else in that dirt. But I'm sticking to basil and thyme because nearly everything I make in every season but winter has basil in it. And most of everything has thyme too, so it saves us money.

4. browse shopping on Amazon. Sometimes I'm sitting around (naptime) and I think I wonder what we need. I pull out my phone and start browsing around on Amazon. And what inevitably happens is that I find a million things I now think we need. See what happened? A minute ago I was content. Now I'm not. Now I think I need more. If I'm wondering what I could possibly need, I don't need it.

5. feeling like I need to spread my time out evenly between everyone I know. It cannot be done. There are too many people and not enough time. In fact, there is such little time to invest and be invested in as a mama of three. So when I get the chance to get away for a couple hours to be with another adult, I'm saying NO to the guilt that has me feeling bad for wanting to spend it with someone I saw a month ago rather than someone I haven't seen in several months. And when I look at Jesus' life, he prioritized people. He did things for everyone, revealed himself to a smaller group of people, traveled with an even smaller group of people than that, called twelve disciples, and then invested more into three specific disciples. I'm not Jesus. But if I think spreading myself thinly over a large group of people is going to foster any kind of meaningful relationship, I'm kidding myself.

Ok, those felt negative. They are, and that's why they are my NOs. Now for the fun! I tried to include several of the things that fire me up.

This year I'm saying YES to:

1. messy kid fun. I'm coming clean. I am one of those moms. Here's how the conversation goes:
Sophia: Mama, can we [insert something super fun and messy]?
Me: Uuhhhh....let's not.
Sophia: Why?
Me: Because it'll make a mess.
And I'm right. It will most definitely make a mess. But I'm done saying no to all that dirty fun. I need to let my kids be kids and I need to join them in it and get a little messy myself. It will make a mess. We'll just have to clean it up.

2. family trips and cousin time. My mom is one of nine kids. Eight of them had kids of their own. So you can imagine how many cousins I have. Strangely enough, our kids don't have any cousins and may never have any. But some of my cousins have been cousins to them, some of my cousin's kids have become cousins to them, and some of my step-brother's and step-sister's kids have become cousins to them. And I cherish their time with their cousins! But they're all in Austin, along with my parents, my brother, and most of my aunts. Making a trip down with three kids is HARD. It helps that my mom comes up for a visit about every three weeks. And that is a great time and it's easy because I don't have to pack, we don't get out of routine, my mom will babysit so Andy and I can go out on a date, etc. etc. etc. And it is easier. But they are only bonding with her. They miss out on everybody else. So this year, even though it's harder, I'm planning more trips to Austin, because I want those relationships fostered and strengthened. And I want my relationships with them strengthened as well. So I've also planned two family trips that will be filled with aunt/uncle/cousin time. But go ahead and pray for me as I drive these three kids to Iowa and back in October!

3. evening and weekend meetings with friends. Andy is always trying to kick me out of the house. He knows I need a break. But a lot of times it feels like so much work to get out. But this is important. When I get run down and cranky, everyone needs me to take a break. And guess what? The house doesn't fall apart when I leave. In fact, sometimes it's better off when I get back. And I'm better off too. So this year I'm taking a break before I get to needing one. A weekly break, to meet with someone, to have a conversation, to do zumba, to sit in a quiet place, to pray with a friend, to tend to my soul a bit more.

4. exercise. Don't worry, I've never committed to it before. But there have only been 5 months since January of 2010 that I have not be pregnant or breastfeeding. And though I'll be breastfeeding for all of 2015, this is the end for me. There was always very little incentive to work out or get my body back when I knew I was only going to get pregnant and blow it up again. :) Now that we've had our last biological baby, I'm ready to feel good physically. I don't know what this will look like exactly, because it's hard enough to get me to work out as is, but throw our schedule at it, and it's going to be really tricky. I'm going to have to do things outside of my box. That might mean a family walk one night, taebo during nap time another day, and a good jog alone in the morning before Andy goes to work on another day. We'll have to see how things pan out. I've been looking into different gyms, but so far haven't found one to offer what I think I would need it to for it to be worth a hefty monthly fee. If anyone has a gym they love or a class they love going to, let me know. I want to do this with people if I can!

5. being outside. I don't know why this is hard for me, but it is. It always seems to be too cold, too wet, or I don't want to deal with putting on sunscreen or bug spray. And our back yard seems to be a headquarter for mosquitoes in the warm weather months. But when we do spend time outside (which my girls will do all day every day if I let them) I feel so good afterward. The fresh air, the sun on my skin, running, playing, kicking the soccer ball. It's so fun and it's so good for me, body and soul. So this year, I'm just going to do the sunscreen, do the bug spray, and give an early bath when we're done. It's worth it.

6. writing. I love to write. I have always loved to write. And when I stop writing, things get pent up and I get a bit angsty. So this year, I'm saying yes to writing more frequently, whether it's in my journal, on this blog, in the journals I have for each of the girls, etc. Writing is my way to process and get things out. It makes me think things through. To sit on them and let them marinate. And it's a good way to document our life, my journey, what the Lord is doing here.

7. preparing the week on Sunday night. When Andy and I were dating or in our earlier years of marriage, we had this Sunday night pillow talk. We'd tell each other what we had coming up in the next week. We'd share what we were excited about or dreading, etc. It was a great way to prepare for the week. Since having kids, when our heads hit the pillow on Sunday night, it's because we've fallen unconscious. But preparing for the week is my new Sunday night routine. When the kids go to bed, I'm busting out the planner, checking the weather, making a to-do list, planning a fun activity, collecting the supplies we'll need, etc. The goal is to have a week that is thought through, prepared, supplied, and waiting for us to enjoy!

The anthem for my heart this year is:

I am always striving for perfect, and sometimes I get so caught up in it all being perfect that some things never get started. The art project doesn't have to be researched for two hours on Pinterest before we pull out the paint. School curriculum doesn't need to be printed, laminated, cut out for the entire week for us to do today. Because when I try to make everything perfect, only some of it gets done. Because when my heart is set on perfect, I get real nasty real fast if someone messes with my plan. For me, for this year, done is better than perfect. I need to loosen the death hold I've got on controlling every detail of every thing we do so it can fit the picture in my head of perfect. This year, I just want to get things done. I don't want to even try to nail perfect. My kids will thank me for it. My husband will be happy for it. Because if I can let go of perfect, I can enjoy what we have. Who we are. I can get a little messy and still keep a smile on my face.

{These are the 2015 Goal Setting steps by Lara Casey. You can follow her blog here or check out her book Make It Happen to the right}

2014 Challenges

It was fun to share what worked in 2014, and now quite humbling sharing what didn't. As I thought through the list and talked with Andy, I confessed that I really felt like a failure. Because in all the things I am, the most important things were ones I struggled with. Being a follower of Jesus, being a mom, and being a wife...they were challenges this year. I fell short, seriously short, in every one. And while it's ok and good even, to be discontent with who we are as sinners, I have to remind myself that this is exactly why Jesus needed to die to pay for my sin. Because I can't live the life I owe. But Jesus did, and he gave it to me. And he took this mess of a life I have, full of failure and indifference and laziness, and he pays for it with his blood. His perfect, holy, and righteous blood. 

I am reminded of Galatians 2:20-21: I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. 

So though I feel like a failure, I lay my fear of man and shame at the feet of Jesus as I share this. It should have no place in my heart. The life I now live in the flesh, I need to live by faith. All has been paid. Thank you Lord!

1. Homeschooling

As a former teacher turned mama, over the years I have been drawn more and more toward homeschooling (for a lot of reasons that I don't have time to get into here.) This year I started a preschool curriculum with Sophia and I was so excited about it! I had dreamed how our school time would go. And then I woke up and tried it and it has been no dream. I was imagining teaching those perfect students. Teachers, you know the ones: self-motivated, passion for learning new things, well behaved, focused, etc. Over the years, I had a small handful of students like that and it was pure joy to teach them. But that just isn't the kind of student Sophia is. Everything I tried wasn't working. Each attempt ended in a fight for control with hurt feelings on both sides, and not much learning taking place. We are not throwing in the towel, but let's just say that for the second half of the year, school days have been few and far between. I would love any advice from you moms who teach littles at home- How do you motivate? What kind of discipline do you use during "school time?" What do you do on a day when it just isn't working for anyone?

2. Catching up with friends during play dates

I have tried scheduling one to two play dates a week, because as you know, Sophia craves interaction. I love seeing friends in small settings rather than big crowds, so I thought this would take care of both at once. Boy was I wrong! Going into a play date hoping to get a good adult conversation in only made me short with the kids and disappointed on the way home, because they got to play and mama didn't get to talk. What did I expect trying to have a deep and meaning conversation with 5 kids under 5 running circles around us? One-on-one time with friends needs to be a priority of mine that I block out time for. I can't try to squeeze it in with something else- it just doesn't work. 

3. Date nights

We just didn't have many. And we suffered from it. And with a newborn it is even harder because I have to pump in the middle of a date, which is not romantic. And we have very few free babysitters in general, and even fewer willing to take on three kids at once. It takes a lot of work to make it happen, and then we come home and are exhausted. Again, we can't throw in the towel on this one. This is important and needs to be a priority. But we just aren't sure how to make it happen any better. Tips? Anyone?

4. Parenting a preschooler

Sophia was an easy baby. She ate well and slept well and was a happy girl. But when 18 months hit, a new kind of girl emerged, and we knew we were in for some terrible twos! And then two turned to three, and we thought we had it made! All of a sudden I had this girl who was easy again. She was potty trained, we could have conversations, she was so fun to be around, we could go somewhere without taking half the house with us. You know what I mean. We are now in the thick of some seriously hard parenting times. I have this daughter who is so much like me. And there's nothing harder than seeing your own sin in another person, because you don't make excuses for them the way you do for yourself. You see the ugliness of it and know it's coming out of you too, and when it's your kids, you know some of it is coming from you. And because after 31 years I am still struggling with the very same things, I see this hard and messy road ahead of her. And I want more for her. But just like I can't beat it in my own strength, she can't beat it either. And on top of that, she doesn't have the Holy Spirit in her yet, making her new, giving strength to fight. I cannot train her to stop sinning. And I don't want to settle for that anyway. That's not the life I want for her, to be good on the outside. To be a pharisee. I want her heart to belong to God and to beat fast for Him! And that's something I can't make happen. That's a challenge that will never go away. I need to pray my way through it. 

5. Using my time

This is a general theme from the year, but specifically three areas have suffered from it. I have not scheduled regular time with the Lord, and when I don't have a time blocked off just for that, it doesn't happen. And when it doesn't happen, my heart goes South. I start doing things with my own wisdom and in my own strength, which quickly fails me, and before long I start seeing and hearing what is not honoring to the Lord or helpful to anyone around me. Another area is not planning time at home with the kids. I plan outings, but for some reason I haven't planned our time at home, other than what I need to get done. We are spending time together, but it could be better spent if I was intentional about it. And the third area is nap time. Uuuggghhhh! I look forward to nap time every day, because by 1:30 I need to recharge. But then I waste my time on social media which sucks the life from me. It encourages discontentment and leaves me feeling empty and frustrated that I wasted my time so pitifully...again.

So there it is. There's my dirt from last year. Paid in full. And not just that, but I have hope that this year could be better. God is in the business of changing hearts. He can take my selfishness and change it into service to others. He can take my laziness and woo me into good work that glorifies Him, because it will bring me joy like nothing else can. 

     Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do      not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not        know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too              deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the            Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:24-27

Now, for some fun! In working through my hopes for 2015 I need to think about what fires me up! What makes my heart beat fast and gets me going, because I need to plan more of that, if I can. So here's the short list:

-adoption

-having a theological conversation with Sophia and she gets it

-one-on-one time with a friend talking about the Lord and deep things of the heart

-big family get togethers

-planning something new for us to do as a family (geocaching is on the list this year!)

-skin on skin time with Eloise, snuggling Penny Mae, and falling asleep holding hands with Sophia       (which has only happened once...but it was incredible!)

-spring and fall weather

-peaceful time sitting in the sun

-great conversations with Andy where I feel so known, so accepted, so safe

-taking a trip (with and without kids)

-singing loud in the car with the girlies to the Lord

-seeing God at work in me and the lives of those He's put around me

-encouraging others

And I'm serious about wanting to hear advice and tips about those things above! My own ideas haven't worked and I want to keep trying. Help me if you can!

2014: What worked!

Friends,

I haven't posted at all in 2014 and that's for some good reasons, like spending time with my kids, and for some bad reasons, like not having much to say. We have welcomed home a new daughter, Eloise, and are head over heels in love. She is such a good baby! But with having a baby, especially in winter, the result is that you are couped up in the house a lot. A LOT. And that's hard for this mama to do. I've found that sometimes Andy or my mom are the only adults I talk to...for a whole week at a time. I love them, but I need more than that. I feel lonely and isolated. I need to do better at calling people, finding time to meet with friends over coffee, etc. And I'm going to. In the meantime, I'm going to blog. Because nursing gives me lots of time to sit still and think. And I've had a lot to think about.

I don't read many blogs, because I tend to get carried away and spend an entire nap time travelling from one blog to another aimlessly. But one blog I read and love is Casey Chappell's, who is a friend of mine. And from her blog or instagram feed, I found Lara Casey. I was so intrigued by Lara's new book and now am slowly working through it. I want to be intentional with my time, and unless I stop to search and dream and plan, nothing intentional happens. I am currently working through chapter two, which has me identifying and meeting and getting to know my fears. And I'm having a hard time naming them. I just know there are lots. So I'm stopped, praying through what my fears are. What they are deep down. I can't just pass over it, because I know fear motivates a lot of what I do, and even more what I don't do.

But one thing I can do is review 2014- to look back at what worked for our family. And I wanted to share them with you, because hearing what worked for others has helped me. So here's what worked for us in 2014:

1. Having a baby
2014 started with me swearing I never wanted to be pregnant again. And I meant it. I wanted to adopt all our babies from here on out. Andy and I had attended adoption conferences, met with adoptive parents we knew, read Adopted for Life, and prayed and prayed. And in the end, Andy just didn't feel ready. So we started trying for baby #3 and a day later, I was pregnant. It was a bit faster than I was prepared for. And I won't lie to you- it was hard. Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. This pregnancy took a physical toll I only met by daily grace from the Lord getting me through each day at a time. But I was, however, very excited to meet our newest daughter. And on November 13, I did. She was 8 lbs of beautiful mercy. And with her birth came physical relief from pain along with a heart that grew every second to love completely another life, another daughter, another blessing. We are now outnumbered by littles, and it's not easy, but it's not the hard I thought it would be. Most days, it's great. It's grace.

2. Driving a minivan
Our last vehicle could not fit three car seats across the backseat, so we took the plunge and got a minivan. Looking back, I can't believe fear of man kept me from wanting one. A car's job is to get me safely from one place to another. I found that even though I didn't think I struggled with it, I was putting value in what kind of car people drove, like it said something about who they were. It took me one day of driving a minivan to throw all those lies out. Driving a minivan is awesome. Those sliding doors are a game changer! And now that I've had to nurse Eloise from the car in random parking lots all across Fort Worth, I'm super thankful we went with one that had a DVD player. Now the two bigger girls sit happily strapped in their car seats while I nurse in the front.

3. Team sports with friends
Andy and I want to be really careful about not overstretching our family with time commitments. We want our weekends and evenings to be together. Sophia is good at lots of things, but one thing she isn't naturally good at is large motor skills. So we thought we would try putting her in a team sport. She is a social butterfly and loves being around other kids and adults all. the. time. We signed up for soccer with a couple that are some of Andy and my best friends. Not only would Sophia and Jackson get to see each other each week, Andy and I would get to see our friends twice a week too! AND she would get to practice running, kicking, throwing, following rules, taking turns, and cheering others on. We did it through the YMCA and not only were we blessed to be on a team with lots of other people we knew, but we got to meet new people, even people we wouldn't have been able to meet any other way. What a great way to get out there and meet new people who you can share your story with and invite into the Great Story of God's Love. We plan to do it again in the fall and I really want to focus on meeting and investing in the other parents on the team.



4. Monthly meal planning
I didn't get this done each month, and the last two months, we've been eating off the generosity of friends who have brought us meals to help us transition into being a family of five. But when I did get it done, it was amazing! Not only did I never find myself scrambling to come up with something to eat for dinner that night, but making a grocery list was a snap. It takes a good two hours to plan every breakfast, lunch, and dinner for roughly 30 days, but in the end it saved so much time and I never had to feel stressed or behind by weekly planning. We made little adjustments here and there as things came up, but it was easy to do and the groceries were there and we used them all, instead of throwing out what we didn't get to.

5. Museum school
Sophia is a social butterfly, and Andy and I wanted Sophia to learn that she needs to take direction from all kinds of authority, not just Mommy and Daddy. I also wanted to enjoy a bit of alone time with Penny Mae (which I've never had before!) before Eloise came. So we enrolled her in the 3 year old class at the Fort Worth Science and History Museum. Her two teachers are WONDERFUL and she loves going! I am constantly impressed with the facts she can tell me when she gets home. It's only for two hours a week, but it's been a big hit with all of us!

6. Dana Dirksen CDs
There are six volumes of CDs called Questions with Answers. We only have the first one, which is about God and Creation. Each song asks a question and then answers it. The songs are simple, repetitive, and include a verse that answers the question. For instance, one song says:

How did God make Adam and Eve?
God made the body of Adam from the dust of the ground
How did God make Adam and Eve?
God made the body of Adam from the dust of the ground
      and formed Eve from the body of Adam.
Genesis 2 verse 7 God made the man from the dust of the ground
Genesis 2 verse 22 God formed the woman from the rib of the man
Ouch! Didn't that hurt?
No, he was sleeping!
How did God make Adam and Eve....etc.

I've used several of these songs to answer questions Sophie has or to explain things, like when our dog Berkley died. We have had lots of questions about death, and several of the songs helped me to give her an answer she had already heard and helped her to make sense of a scary situation.

7. A load a day of laundry
I hate doing laundry, so what usually happened was I would put it off. The loads would get large, and then I would find myself completely overwhelmed doing 3-4 over-sized loads of laundry. It took forever to get done and made the job bigger than it needed to be. This year I started shooting for doing a load a day. The loads are smaller and more manageable. It doesn't take long at all to do, so even though I'm doing it every day, it doesn't feel like I'm spending tons of time folding.

8. Sunday night pizza & a movie
We don't do it every Sunday, because I get burned out on pizza. But about every other week we order pizza and watch a movie with the kids. It's a fun way to end the weekend, usually also letting me prep for the week ahead. We also get an easy lunch out of the leftovers. It helps to start the week relaxed!

9. Chore charts & Point charts
There were a few routine things that I wanted Sophia to start doing each day to help out, but I found we were having to remind her a lot, and sometimes ask several times before they got done. I started using an easy chore chart I got off Pinterest, and it made such a difference. We go over the morning chores after lunch, and Sophia gets to put a sticker next to each of the chores she did without arguing. We would do it again just before bed at night. Before long, she was doing all of her chores without needing reminded or urged. It became habit. She also stopped napping in November. She has a two hour "rest time" on the couch with a quiet bin. She has three rules: stay on the couch, be quiet, and don't break anything. :) The girls also started sharing a room, and that has made bedtime a difficult time for sisters who aren't quite done playing together. If Sophia stays in bed and is quiet, she gets a point. When she gets to 10 points, she gets to pick something off her Amazon wish list that is under $5. I add things to her list to put in her quiet bin at nap time. It usually takes her 2-3 weeks to get to 10 points. (About every other night...so it's not totally working. But it's better than it was with no point chart!)

What are some things that worked for your family in 2014?