gifts in trials

I have been struggling with something for the past week; a nagging frustration I just couldn't pinpoint. Since working summer school, I only get four consecutive weeks away from work. I had high expectations for those weeks. I figured Sophie's behavior would improve with consistent napping. I would be free of the busyness I face the rest of the year. We would have time to do all the fun things I wish we could do during the year. In sum, I would get to play the part of a stay at home mom- my dream come true.

Three weeks in and I admit that I'm frustrated by how things have gone. Napping did become consistent and I found myself free of the guilt I usually carry around for her schedule. But little else changed. Sophia continues to be in a stage of fierce independence. She takes pleasure in testing the boundaries continually. Temper tantrums, hitting, and bossing "no, no!" are a perpetual part of my day. Nearly every tactic I've tried has not curbed these behaviors. In fact, I felt myself losing ground.

Two emotions took hold: failure as a parent (and the frustration and helplessness that comes with it) and not enjoying my time with Sophia. In fact, not enjoying Sophia herself. This brought lots of guilt and shame. I found myself rolling my eyes at things she would do, sighing loudly at having to discipline her again, being short on love and patience, etc. This is not the mom I want to be. This is not how I wanted our days together to go. This struggle kept me up at night questioning the depth of my love for my daughter. Do I only love her when she's easy to love? When she's happy and compliant, helpful, and doesn't inconvenience me with her sin? What kind of love is that?

And then this week brought on sickness. It has kept us housebound, up at night, and almost sick ourselves with worry. Plans have been canceled, lots of food thrown away, stir-crazy boredom seeping in. But it has brought with it great blessing to my heart. After a particularly rough number of days with Sophie, I was beginning to run dry. In her sickness a different side of her comes out. Her independence vanishes and she not only needs me but wants me. She is exceptionally sweet and affectionate, gentle, compliant, brave.

This sickness stopped us in our tracks: stopped our schedule, stopped our plans, and stopped both of our attitudes toward one another. I have gotten to take a break and see the beautiful person that is my daughter; to fall in love with her all over again. I have gotten to step back, taking a look at the big picture, reminding myself that this is a season. I have gotten to enjoy her.

It has been a gift. A gift only God could have known to give, seeing in my heart more fully than I can. He saw my struggle, knew my need, and provided. Not in any way I could have imagined or would have even asked for- through sickness, in a hardship. I have struggled with worry and am exhausted from little sleep, but I feel renewed in spirit. I feel ready to continue this race I'm in, this battle for my daughter. I fight for her. I fight for her heart to be won over by God. I fight against anything that would try to steal it for their own glory, even herself. Why did I think it would not be hard? I grew weary, but God has renewed my strength, in his way, as only he can.