"You're So Advanced"

This little phrase is a joke in our family. Andy and I are constantly telling Sophia how advanced she is when she does something she usually doesn't mean to before the official "milestone deadline." But this week, the phrase came back to bite me. Yes, three months early, Sophia threw her first tantrum. As I was reflecting on the tantrum later that day, I remembered a blog post I had written a few months ago about how Sophia would soon begin to actively defy me in stubborn independence.

There have been signs this was coming. The back arch has become one of Sophia's favorite things to do no matter where she is or what she's doing. She certainly did it while learning to spoon feed, but I also saw her arching in the Bumbo seat and even laying on the floor, all the while seeming happy as could be. So I chalked it up to her discovering that she could do it, and thus, would do it as often as possible.

So I found myself thoroughly unprepared for a tantrum in Target. Andy and I knew the time for discipline was coming, but we hadn't quite talked through how we would do it, what we would do it for, and honestly, didn't really know what "bad behavior" from Sophia would look like. We figured we still had a few months to figure it out, but then again, Sophia's very advanced.

When we shop at Central Market each week, Sophia likes to take hold of my grocery list and play with it in her hands. So while we were at Target, she wrestled it from me as I shopped the clearance rack in the baby department. When I looked up, I found the now soggy grocery list minus a small chunk and took it away from her so she wouldn't eat any more paper. As soon as I take it from her hands, an earsplitting cry issues from her wide open mouth. She begins a colossal meltdown. I probably was wearing a face of utter confusion. At first I wondered if it was just a coincidence that she began screaming when I took the paper away. I look her over for a pinched toe or jammed finger. Nothing. By now, maybe 30 seconds have gone by and I'm thinking Listen babe, you don't have object permanence yet. What are you still crying about? When the crying didn't stop, I decided to respond, to the appreciation of the entire crowd.

But wait...what do I do? We didn't have a discipline plan yet. Besides, she's six months old. She doesn't understand anything I would say anyway. Then I remember...it doesn't matter.

Let me clarify: what I do next matters greatly. It matters greatly that I discipline her and it matters greatly how I discipline her. What doesn't matter is whether she can understand it yet or not. As much as discipline will train her later on, doing it now is training for us. It matters that I set up the habit of disciplining her now, from the very beginning, for my own sake. If I neglect it now because she doesn't get it, I form for myself a habit of ignoring problem behavior. It will take an active change later down the road to begin doing what I could have been doing all along. And as we all know, change is difficult.

It's the same reason we read the Bible to her every night before bed. She can't understand the stories. She won't hear us read the crucifixion to her tonight and ask Jesus to save her from her sin. We do it now because we want to do it later. And if we don't set up the habit now, we may never do what we intend to.

Intentions are tricky things. Andy and I can have intentions to be good parents to Sophia, but having those intentions don't make us good parents. We will never drift into good parenthood. What will make us good parents is what we do when it comes to Sophia.

So what did I do? First, I stayed calm. Then I said, "Oh Sophia, no ma'am" in a low voice. "We do not react like this when we don't get what we want. Mommy has a good reason for taking the grocery list away. It's not healthy to eat paper. Tell you what, as soon as we get an appropriate sucking object from our list here, you may have it to chew on." Did it work? Of course not...but that's not really the point, is it?

Father, we continue to plead with you on behalf of Sophia. Her name means "wisdom," and this is what we seek from you now. Our wisdom is like foolishness compared to you. Your ways are high, your understanding infinite! Your word says that you discipline those you love. Teach us how we may discipline Sophia in love, so that she would reap the benefits of being loved to the extent that her parents did not do what was easy, but what was best for her! Let us learn from your example, for you have painstakingly made us your children by sending Jesus to the Cross. We love you! Amen.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11