Let me start by saying I hope future games are less thrilling and more fun. Andy and I got a taste of reality at our 12 week appointment. Dr. appointments have been a fun, exciting thing to look forward to. I count down the days until the next appointment and get giddy on the drive to the doctor- it's so different than normal appointments! I love seeing the doctor because I get to learn more about our baby, this sweet thing I already love and don't know much about yet.
As the nurse comes in, she takes my blood pressure and says we're going to check the fetal heartbeat. My own heart jumps at hearing I'll get to listen to Button's (our affectionate non gender name for the time being) heartbeat again! The first machine is out of juice, so she goes to get another one. She searches, checking every part of my belly. I can tell she's starting to be concerned. I give Andy an "oh no" look. She keeps searching....searching....searching....every time we'd hear a hearbeat it would be my own slow beat. We were listening for one much faster.
After a while, she says she can't find it. I must have looked terrified, because she said, "It's ok. It's not time to worry. I'll go get the doctor and he will find the heartbeat. If he can't, we'll do a sonogram. Don't worry! If the doctor can't find it, then you can start worrying." I smile and then look at Andy with an "I don't like this- this is scary" type of look. We begin praying and waiting for the doctor.
This was a strange time for me. I found myself without the words to pray. I knew what to ask for, and I did, but I struggled to find peace. My mind kept going from petitioning the Lord to fearful questions: What will they do if they can't find a hearbeat? Will they take my baby out? I'm not ready for that! What will this mean for all the plans we're making- this will change everything. How will I cope with this? How will Andy cope with this? I was clearly not at peace. Then one single thought silenced the questions, silenced the fears, silenced my soul. The Lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, in the perfect time, began my baby's heart beating. And at some point, the Lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, in the perfect time, will stop my baby's heart from beating. This was a certain fact. It steadied me, because I trust in the Lord. I began praying a new prayer- one of thanks to the God who holds all things together, who has a plan that is for his glory and for my good, one who is never thwarted, one who reconciles and redeems. Yes, the Lord is good. He does good. If there is no heartbeat, it will be well with my soul. It has to be.
About 30 minutes later my doctor comes in and gets right to work- one thing I love about him. He starts searching....searching....searching. He finally looks at me and says he can't find it. At this point, I'm starting to get shaky. He says "bottoms off" we're going to feel around for where exactly it is and try listening for it again before we do a sonogram. As he leaves, I start to cry. By this point, Andy is as shaken as I am. I try to remember and get back to the peace I knew just a moment ago.
Minutes later he's back, finds where exactly my tilted uterus is resting (on its side, by the way) and gets the machine in the right spot. I watch him like a hawk, aching in the silence, until I hear it- fast beating. The doctor looks at me and nods his head to the beat to let me know we've got the right one. Quick beats, beautiful beats, strong, healthy beats. I come undone. Joy spills out in tears, sobs, sweat. I lay my head back and cry.
A few days later I'm telling this to my friend and saying that I can't wait until I can feel Button moving and kicking. What ease I will have when I get constant reminders of my baby's health! In wisdom, she reminded me that it's never gone. The worry is never over and something I don't have to deal with again. Her son just celebrated his one year birthday. She said as soon as they got home from the hospital she was scared to put him in the crib and would have to fight the urge to check on him every 10 minutes. After that it will be choking on food, falling off a bike, getting lost at the park, etc. It's not about being safe and clear from any harmful circumstances that brings peace. It's about having peace in the midst of every uncontrollable circumstance. It's about daily, hourly giving up your child to the care and protection of the Lord and trusting in Him to do what's best, even if what's best is unthinkable. Thank you, friend.
I've been trying to remind myself of these things over the past week. I'll be honest- sometimes that peace I felt in the doctor's office is with me. Sometimes it feels miles away. It was not a fun experience, but it was one that has taught me some early lessons that I know I'll continually learn as we head down this journey of parenthood. Thank you Lord for all you have done, for Button's heartbeat, for peace, for a willingness to relinquish control I never had in the first place. Continue to teach me your ways and lead me in the path of sanctification. Amen!
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