Our first game of Hide and Seek

Let me start by saying I hope future games are less thrilling and more fun. Andy and I got a taste of reality at our 12 week appointment. Dr. appointments have been a fun, exciting thing to look forward to. I count down the days until the next appointment and get giddy on the drive to the doctor- it's so different than normal appointments! I love seeing the doctor because I get to learn more about our baby, this sweet thing I already love and don't know much about yet.

As the nurse comes in, she takes my blood pressure and says we're going to check the fetal heartbeat. My own heart jumps at hearing I'll get to listen to Button's (our affectionate non gender name for the time being) heartbeat again! The first machine is out of juice, so she goes to get another one. She searches, checking every part of my belly. I can tell she's starting to be concerned. I give Andy an "oh no" look. She keeps searching....searching....searching....every time we'd hear a hearbeat it would be my own slow beat. We were listening for one much faster.

After a while, she says she can't find it. I must have looked terrified, because she said, "It's ok. It's not time to worry. I'll go get the doctor and he will find the heartbeat. If he can't, we'll do a sonogram. Don't worry! If the doctor can't find it, then you can start worrying." I smile and then look at Andy with an "I don't like this- this is scary" type of look. We begin praying and waiting for the doctor.

This was a strange time for me. I found myself without the words to pray. I knew what to ask for, and I did, but I struggled to find peace. My mind kept going from petitioning the Lord to fearful questions: What will they do if they can't find a hearbeat? Will they take my baby out? I'm not ready for that! What will this mean for all the plans we're making- this will change everything. How will I cope with this? How will Andy cope with this? I was clearly not at peace. Then one single thought silenced the questions, silenced the fears, silenced my soul. The Lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, in the perfect time, began my baby's heart beating. And at some point, the Lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, in the perfect time, will stop my baby's heart from beating. This was a certain fact. It steadied me, because I trust in the Lord. I began praying a new prayer- one of thanks to the God who holds all things together, who has a plan that is for his glory and for my good, one who is never thwarted, one who reconciles and redeems. Yes, the Lord is good. He does good. If there is no heartbeat, it will be well with my soul. It has to be.

About 30 minutes later my doctor comes in and gets right to work- one thing I love about him. He starts searching....searching....searching. He finally looks at me and says he can't find it. At this point, I'm starting to get shaky. He says "bottoms off" we're going to feel around for where exactly it is and try listening for it again before we do a sonogram. As he leaves, I start to cry. By this point, Andy is as shaken as I am. I try to remember and get back to the peace I knew just a moment ago.

Minutes later he's back, finds where exactly my tilted uterus is resting (on its side, by the way) and gets the machine in the right spot. I watch him like a hawk, aching in the silence, until I hear it- fast beating. The doctor looks at me and nods his head to the beat to let me know we've got the right one. Quick beats, beautiful beats, strong, healthy beats. I come undone. Joy spills out in tears, sobs, sweat. I lay my head back and cry.

A few days later I'm telling this to my friend and saying that I can't wait until I can feel Button moving and kicking. What ease I will have when I get constant reminders of my baby's health! In wisdom, she reminded me that it's never gone. The worry is never over and something I don't have to deal with again. Her son just celebrated his one year birthday. She said as soon as they got home from the hospital she was scared to put him in the crib and would have to fight the urge to check on him every 10 minutes. After that it will be choking on food, falling off a bike, getting lost at the park, etc. It's not about being safe and clear from any harmful circumstances that brings peace. It's about having peace in the midst of every uncontrollable circumstance. It's about daily, hourly giving up your child to the care and protection of the Lord and trusting in Him to do what's best, even if what's best is unthinkable. Thank you, friend.

I've been trying to remind myself of these things over the past week. I'll be honest- sometimes that peace I felt in the doctor's office is with me. Sometimes it feels miles away. It was not a fun experience, but it was one that has taught me some early lessons that I know I'll continually learn as we head down this journey of parenthood. Thank you Lord for all you have done, for Button's heartbeat, for peace, for a willingness to relinquish control I never had in the first place. Continue to teach me your ways and lead me in the path of sanctification. Amen!

House for Sale!

This post is a little personal PR attempt. We are selling our house! We LOVE our house, and this is a bittersweet experience for us. However, we also want it to be a short lived experience. Keeping the house spotless is tiresome. :) Our realtor advised us to get the word out to friends and family, because you never know when someone you know knows someone who knows someone looking to buy a house...

Here are a few pictures. We are listed with Williams Trew. For more pictures and listing information, see their website, or realtor.com.

Please pass this info on to anyone you know who might be in the market- it's a great house!

2244 Hurley Ave. 76110

Baby Friederichs!

Hopefully you've already heard that Andy and I are having a baby! I wanted to use my blog to be able to share with you how God accomplished this in our lives, because we are so thankful!

I have always had a history of irregular cycles. Last summer we decided to ditch the pill for a few reasons: 1) I needed to know how much different I would be without the side effects of the pill I'd been taking since I was 15. 2) We wanted to see what my cycles would be like- maybe they had learned to regulate themselves, maybe not. After six months, it was clear they were not regular, and were actually getting more and more irregular the longer I was pill free. In December, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. He looked at the chart I'd been keeping, and was not hopeful. He started me on a medication to try and wipe out my system- it was supposed act like a reboot. Then I went in for lots and lots of tests. The tests came back not so hopeful. He sent me home with a package of stuff from Fort Worth Fertility, and said we needed to ditch our schedule and start trying NOW. We cried, took the new meds he prescribed, sent Andy in for testing, and got busy!

Andy's tests came back great. The medicine I was now on three times a day made me super nauseous and tired. Another blood test later, and the doctor said he was going to put me on Clomid (a fertility drug) and then a sonogram of my ovaries. They thought I might have PCOS. All this was going to happen as soon as I got my next cycle. In the meantime, we did the only thing we could do. ;) Let me tell you- it was not easy. Gone were the days of romance, convenience, spontaneity. In fact, we didn't even try often because it wasn't quite, well, as fun as it used to be. But every time we did try, I would put my hands on my belly and plead with the Lord to open my womb, to make a baby, to give us a child. Sometimes Andy would do it to, sometimes we would do it together.

Inevitably, we knew, the end of the month would come, and we'd get an answer. We decided we would take a test right away, on the 29th day, so we wouldn't have to wait for a late period hoping it meant we were pregnant, only to find out we were just more irregular than before. I knew before the results came. I could feel it: negative. We sighed, because it meant more meds, more tests, more charting temperatures, more hoping, more desperate...but we continued on.

A week later, nothing. Two weeks later, nothing. Three weeks later, still nothing. I was reaching that point where you move from patience to anger. But I also started to hope. It went against all reason. Yes, I was 20 days late, which for some people would be a sure sign, but not for me. 20 days late didn't really mean anything for my body. Yes, I was nauseous and tired, but that didn't mean anything either- those were the side effects of the meds I was on. It was our first month to try. The average, healthy, regular 25 year old has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. The doctor said it could take a year, maybe longer. The first test was negative. We didn't even try enough. My temp chart looked like an EKG- we had no idea when I ovulated. It seemed impossible, yet I hoped. I told Andy, "I think I really might be pregnant." Wanting to protect me from being disappointed again, he told me I probably wasn't.

The next day at work I couldn't wait any longer. I rushed home to take a test. I sat, waiting for the results, at a point of desperation I have never felt. It was strange to feel such hope and despair at the same time, feelings of such impossibility and yet there maybe was a chance. My heart was pounding through my chest, and I didn't really realize I saw the result until tears were spilling from my eyes and I was sobbing through joy: Pregnant. I couldn't believe it and yet was sure I knew it all along. I sobbed thanks to the Lord for a long time. My face was burning, my mind was racing, and I needed to let it out. I needed to tell Andy. I couldn't wait!

Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. The nausea and exhaustion have subsided and I am being weaned from the meds that make me sick. Our baby has a strong heartbeat, is about the size of a lime, grows incredibly every day, and never ceases to remind us of God's goodness, his power, and his provision for all we need. He has accomplished more than all we asked or even hoped for. We give him all the glory!

Genesis 30:22-23 "Then God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son..."