Hopefully you've already heard that Andy and I are having a baby! I wanted to use my blog to be able to share with you how God accomplished this in our lives, because we are so thankful!
I have always had a history of irregular cycles. Last summer we decided to ditch the pill for a few reasons: 1) I needed to know how much different I would be without the side effects of the pill I'd been taking since I was 15. 2) We wanted to see what my cycles would be like- maybe they had learned to regulate themselves, maybe not. After six months, it was clear they were not regular, and were actually getting more and more irregular the longer I was pill free. In December, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. He looked at the chart I'd been keeping, and was not hopeful. He started me on a medication to try and wipe out my system- it was supposed act like a reboot. Then I went in for lots and lots of tests. The tests came back not so hopeful. He sent me home with a package of stuff from Fort Worth Fertility, and said we needed to ditch our schedule and start trying NOW. We cried, took the new meds he prescribed, sent Andy in for testing, and got busy!
Andy's tests came back great. The medicine I was now on three times a day made me super nauseous and tired. Another blood test later, and the doctor said he was going to put me on Clomid (a fertility drug) and then a sonogram of my ovaries. They thought I might have PCOS. All this was going to happen as soon as I got my next cycle. In the meantime, we did the only thing we could do. ;) Let me tell you- it was not easy. Gone were the days of romance, convenience, spontaneity. In fact, we didn't even try often because it wasn't quite, well, as fun as it used to be. But every time we did try, I would put my hands on my belly and plead with the Lord to open my womb, to make a baby, to give us a child. Sometimes Andy would do it to, sometimes we would do it together.
Inevitably, we knew, the end of the month would come, and we'd get an answer. We decided we would take a test right away, on the 29th day, so we wouldn't have to wait for a late period hoping it meant we were pregnant, only to find out we were just more irregular than before. I knew before the results came. I could feel it: negative. We sighed, because it meant more meds, more tests, more charting temperatures, more hoping, more desperate...but we continued on.
A week later, nothing. Two weeks later, nothing. Three weeks later, still nothing. I was reaching that point where you move from patience to anger. But I also started to hope. It went against all reason. Yes, I was 20 days late, which for some people would be a sure sign, but not for me. 20 days late didn't really mean anything for my body. Yes, I was nauseous and tired, but that didn't mean anything either- those were the side effects of the meds I was on. It was our first month to try. The average, healthy, regular 25 year old has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. The doctor said it could take a year, maybe longer. The first test was negative. We didn't even try enough. My temp chart looked like an EKG- we had no idea when I ovulated. It seemed impossible, yet I hoped. I told Andy, "I think I really might be pregnant." Wanting to protect me from being disappointed again, he told me I probably wasn't.
The next day at work I couldn't wait any longer. I rushed home to take a test. I sat, waiting for the results, at a point of desperation I have never felt. It was strange to feel such hope and despair at the same time, feelings of such impossibility and yet there maybe was a chance. My heart was pounding through my chest, and I didn't really realize I saw the result until tears were spilling from my eyes and I was sobbing through joy: Pregnant. I couldn't believe it and yet was sure I knew it all along. I sobbed thanks to the Lord for a long time. My face was burning, my mind was racing, and I needed to let it out. I needed to tell Andy. I couldn't wait!
Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. The nausea and exhaustion have subsided and I am being weaned from the meds that make me sick. Our baby has a strong heartbeat, is about the size of a lime, grows incredibly every day, and never ceases to remind us of God's goodness, his power, and his provision for all we need. He has accomplished more than all we asked or even hoped for. We give him all the glory!
Genesis 30:22-23 "Then God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son..."
I realized that I forgot to mention that I finished The Brothers Karamazov! Just after New Years, about six months after I started it, I finished this excellent book. I first decided I wanted to read it about eight years ago after finding it on John Piper's list of "Top 50 Books You Need to Read Before You Die." It's my second book of Fyodor Dostoevsky's to read (the first was Crime and Punishment, which took me two years to complete). It's the story of three very different brothers who share a miserable excuse of a father. The oldest brother, Dmitri, is erratic, highly emotional, and impulsive. The second brother, Ivan, is a complete intellectual. The youngest, Alexey, is mild, starkly honest, and very spiritual. They represent three parts of the human being: emotion, reason, and faith. The story follows the murder of their father, and the ongoing effects of it on the three sons. It includes what many consider the best argument against the existence of God- ironic because Dostoevsky writes as a Christian saved by the blood of God himself.
