Over the last two weeks, both the girls have been sick. Sophia stopped eating. At meal time, she would down her milk, and after lots of prodding, would take one or two bites of her meal before declaring that she was finished. She's a toddler, so this isn't completely abnormal behavior. It wasn't until she refused her very favorite foods that we started to wonder if something else was going on:
"I finished!"
"But these are French fries..."
"I all done!"
"huh...."
Then on Monday morning, she woke up feeling warm and telling me she didn't want to go to school (after we were dressed and about to head out the door.) I took her temperature and it was 102. We stayed home that day, obviously, but it wasn't quite a sick day, because Sophia felt fine. She ran and ran around the house, not a care in the world. I gave her a fever reducer to keep her comfortable, let her watch a movie, took her on a walk...trying to do things that would entertain but also allow her to rest her body since she felt no need to.
Penelope experienced something quite different. She had a severe double ear infection, including a blister on her eardrum! She woke up crying every night. She had thick green snot coming out her nose, her eyes, running down her throat, making gurgling sounds every time she breathed. She couldn't nurse, couldn't sleep, couldn't stay comfortable. She was sick. She knew she was sick. She felt sick.
God let me see some spiritual truths as I took care of these two girls very differently:
Truth: we're all sick. Both girls were sick. Just because Sophia felt much better than Penelope doesn't mean something wasn't wrong with her body. Her fever and lack of appetite were proof that things were not as well as they seemed.
The reason Sophia didn't feel sick was that her symptoms didn't make her hurt. Don't we do the same thing all the time? We classify sins on a hierarchical scale based on how dangerous the consequences are. So we group promiscuity, drunkenness, adultery, violence, homosexuality on the big end of the spectrum. Their consequences can be devastating. If you're playing with these sins, you're going to feel the effects just like Penelope felt the pain of her symptoms. It was unavoidable. Sophia on the other hand, managed her symptoms well. Sure, she had lack of appetite. She easily filled up on whole milk and a few bites which was enough to hold her over until the next meal, where she would do the same thing. The fever didn't slow her down much, and with the help of a fever reducer, she could do just about all she wanted to.
But her body was showing signs that it needed help. I knew that when she took a 4.5 hour nap and then slept in the next morning until 9:30. She was not ok. And we're not ok either, even when our symptoms seem avoidable. These "low consequence" sins can be just as devastating: Pride, anger, discontent, fear. They come out in little bursts- shouting an order at the kids, giving the cold shoulder to your spouse, taking every opportunity to seize control, climbing the corporate ladder, always looking to the next house, or car, or job, or vacation. They will slowly eat away at your soul and continually injure those around you if left untreated.
Truth: symptoms are telling grace. Our symptoms make it clear that we are not ok, that we need help. This is a good thing. The Law worked in much the same way.
And thank goodness for symptoms! If Sophia hadn't had a fever, I would never have known that she needed to stay home from school, get some rest, fill up on fluids, and take it easy. If Penelope hadn't cried and cried for hours during the night, I wouldn't have taken her to the doctor. She wouldn't have gotten medicine that cleared up the congestion and brought relief to her eardrum. But we have to be careful here.
Truth: real health is the goal. How disappointing would it have been if, at the doctor's office, he looked in Penelope's ears and said, "Wow, these eardrums look awful. There's a blister on her right eardrum. They are red and swollen, causing a lot of pain. Here's what we can do: these ear drops are an analgesic. They will numb her eardrum so she can't feel the pain." As much as I want my baby to not be in pain, what I want more is the cure for fluid in her ears. That's what's causing the pain! Getting rid of the fluid gets rid of the infection, and by consequence, the pain. Which is why I felt such relief that along with the ear drops, we were given an antibiotic that would rid her little body of the infection that brought on her pain. So when I drop something and hear filth come out of my mouth, I need to remember that the goal isn't to have a cleaner mouth, but a cleaner heart. Because that's where my words really come from.
It isn't that surprising that God seems to save those suffering the pain of their symptoms: the tax collectors, prostitutes, adulterers. They knew they were sick. They knew they needed him. They weren't blind to their sickness. But these are his words to the Pharisees: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. (Matthew 23:27-28 ESV) Taking care of Penny Mae was heartbreaking. She was suffering from awful and painful symptoms. But it was also beautiful to see how she needed me. She was looking for comfort from her mama. Something Sophia didn't need in her sickness. So it has been my prayer this week that throughout their lives, my girls would know they are sick. That they need to be healed. This may mean a myriad of symptoms. And I pray that when those symptoms come to the surface, we would forsake pride and the approval of men, which would lead us to bury or cover them; we would reject guilt and despair that would lead us to believe that our parenting has the power to save (and failure to parent is the cause of my children's sin.) I pray that when those days come, and for Sophia they are already here, that we would lift up our hands and cry out to God our Healer for their deliverance. For the true health of their soul. And that we would preach the gospel to ourselves again, and again, and again, for as long as it takes.
