After a few scary days of high fevers not relieved by medicine, not knowing the cause or the effects of this mystery illness, she slowly came around. We have never seen her feel so bad, never felt such fear at the unknown. Of course, I can say all this now, because she's better. ;)
In the midst of it, I found my heart warring within me. I felt helpless. But it was no different than any other day, was it? Am I ever in control of how healthy she is? No matter how many vegetables she eats, no matter how many times we wash her hands, wipe down grocery carts, or try to keep her away from germs, she's going to get sick. And some sicknesses have no means of prevention. And some have no means of a cure.
I know this all the time. But isn't it easy to forget about it when everything is good? Don't we start to believe that we are in control? That we are the reason for the good things in life? We have the lives we do because of the good choices we've made or the good things we've done? All it takes is one big fever to blow it all up in my face. My good mommy skills are not the reason Sophia is healthy most of the time. God's grace is the reason she's healthy.
The real war wasn't Am I in control? I knew I wasn't. I knew God was. The real war was this: God will do what He wants to do. Is what He wants to do good? Is He good? Always no matter what? Is He good if this is a blood infection? Even if it causes bacterial meningitis? Is he still good if this goes the absolute way I don't want it to go?
Yes. I believed it. But I confess I didn't always feel it. The real question I was asking was Does God really love me? And He does. I know He does. And He promises to always do what is for my very best. Even if it's not what I want. Even if it hurts.
I know this as a parent. I do the same thing for Sophia. I held her down as she kicked and screamed and cried while they put a catheter in, drew blood, x-rayed her chest, injected antibiotic. We needed to find out why she was sick. I knew it would hurt, but I wanted her to get better. Temporary discomfort for the more lasting comfort of getting better. God is willing to do the same for us. Temporary pain for the more lasting joy of getting more of Him.
He is good. Always and no matter what. Thank you to everyone who prayed for Sophia's healing! We will never know what she was sick with. But we did learn some good lessons along the way.
